Ask The Doctor The Doctor Speaks... The Doctor Grunts.. The Doctor Leaves!!!

Dear Students of U.P.E.1., 1, The Doctor, would like to forgo the letter answering mode that this column normally pursues in favour of telling you of my own personal disgust for Vaughn Jelliffe and her whinings. While I will admit that I hardly ever read ‘‘The Backlash’’, which is written by Peter Hanus and Joseph Murphy, it is not because I find it offensive, but rather I find it utterly boring.

I have had enough of feminism and its desire to submit men to its wants and whims. Ms. Jelliffe has not really made her cause known to the students of U.P.E.J. and that bothers me. Is she trying to stop Mr. Hanus and Mr. Murphy from being offensive to half ifthe world’s population by speaking out against their column and putting pressure on Cory Large to censor them? Is she trying to justify herself and her trying ideologies to the campus by creating an oppres- sion similar to that which it is so against? Is she just really dumb and can’t make up her mind? These are questions that I have been asking myself, but to which I can find no answer.

While there was a petition being sent around campus to raise an awareness of opposition to ‘‘The Back- lash’’ and a lot of people signed it, I say that this proves nothing. I would also sign it if I had an annoying strumpet breathing down my neck, shouting about freeing women from slavery.

I recently read an article in The Guardian on March 17, about this whole affair and I must admit that it really offended me. Libby Whelan, the woman who started the petition, told reporters: ‘‘We’re kinda scared of what the circumstances wouldbe. I don’t wantto knoweither.’’ Boy, that is interesting! Firstly, there is no such word as ‘‘kinda’’ (I hate people who can’t spell) and secondly you should be scrred, because you have made yourself look like an idiot. What do you think, that the whole male popula- tion will be after you now? In your dreams! Of course, we might throw snowballs at you, like those students mentioned in The Guardian: ‘‘ Young men were throwing snowballs at the classroom window and were still walking around after class. One student was afraid to walk home. Their being around isa threatening presence,’’ Iamsorry Ms. Jelliffe, that you find men ‘‘a threatening presence’’ maybe you

should calm down though, because we will always : present, I hope. ’

Strangely enough, I didn’t see any mention of the “*Campus Women’’ column which two weeks ago talked about shoving penis umbrellas into the male sexual organ and then opening it. Well, that does offend me, what about you? It was justa funny satire or so that is what we have been lead to believe. Ia sick of this stupid bickering between these two fac- _ tions within the paper and Cory Large’srefusalto _ solve any of these problems. I guess thatheistoo _ busy trying to protect his own behind. I, therefore, humbly hand in my resignation in disgust and ask that the students and the Student Uniondosomething _ about this joke we call the X-Press. I would like to — thank my readers and those who sent me letters for _ their encouragement, but I can no longer bea part of such a waste of student resources. With that out of the way I leave you with my final letter. Unless of — course it had been found to be offensive to Ms. a Jelliffe or some other hypocritical dimwit.

Dear doctor, Iam living with my parents and they are bothering me to get a job, find a girlfriend, get better marksand find another place to stay. I wish that they would get off my back. What can I do? Signed,

Bummin’ Off the Relatives

Dear Bummin’ . It is quite obvious to me that you are ina situation © that all slobbish males without girlfriends to take care of them find themselves in at one time in their livesy Youcould do the ‘‘rightthing’’andmakethem happy. You might move out, find a really wholesome girl, get a good job and make it to the Dean’s List, 2 but you probably won’t. I think that you have two © options: you can put up with their nagging (is it > really THAT bad) or you could kill your whole family and collect the insurance money. Not only would youl be set for life, but you would also be rid of those 2 annoying people who have made you life a living he

since puberty. Remember to make itlooklikean — accident, to get the whole family (even Grandma) ang to have areally goodalibi. Beinventive,I hate ~ boring slice and dice family killings! Use a cheese” grater or Jello...hey, | LIKE Jello. q

And on that note I say Adieu...adieu...adieu!

UPEI X-P RESS .

March 26, 1992

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