Bear With us“ _ The following is an extract from THE BEAR MANIFESTO), the most

exciting piece of neo-human‘ist, crypto-nazi, para-military, pseudo-intellec- tual, effete-slob legislation since the hilarious “Act to Establish a Post-.

A brief introduction to the Bear Party, and a look at our history seems to be in order:

It all began last fall when a meek mild- mannered reporter was tripping, blithely around campus, whistling “Everything’s Ar- chie” and carrying an apple for each of his teachers. Suddenly the sky split open, dead men arose from their tombs and someone in the provincial legislature gave a speech that made sense, as to his amazement a voice from the heavens gruffly spoke these magic words: “Know thee that thou art Captain Bearheart, and that henceforth thy mission on this earth is to at all times commit acts of side-splitting

indecency, and corrupt thy brothers and sis-V

ters in like manner.”

Our hero, transfixed, knew from the speaker’s accent that he was a native Island- er, but more than that he couldn’t tell. In any case, he soon gathered together many bright young men and women, all of whom believed in subverting the oppressive structures which surround us. This clandestinegroup, known by the bear'salute and other gross gestures, immediately formed the Committee to Bring Bears Back to PEI and set up a totally in- effective bearlobby to agitate for this much— needed reform measure. This pressure result- ed in a carefully—worded Bear Party budget being drawn up, with projected expenses as follows: ’

EXPENSES EXPECTED:

Cost of two bears ....... ._; ............ ..$20,000.00 (1 male, 1 female) Cost of two one-way ................ ..$ 1.50

ferry tickets Miscellaneous cultural activities

of a bear nature ...................... .,$ 16.02 TOTAL ........................................ . $20,017.52

It saddens us to have to inform you that we were turned down without a penny, while such worthless things as the SU executive and The Cadre have wasted a small fortune.

However, we pressed on, and are present- ly trying to win converts to our message by first getting them stoned on the heavy sound put out by the Party’s official rock group, Captain Bearheart’s Little Leaguers, which we predict will be recognized by historians as “the houseband of the revolution”.

Never fear, the Party’s financial and ar- tistic successes have not driven us from our primary radical objectives. We are essentially a group of Concerned Students who feel that our furry chums have been too long overlook- ed on this Island and at this University.

We ask you: how many times, in your textbooks and your classrooms, do you get the bear’s point of View? How many realize that bears are not at present welcome on this Is- land, that, in fact, several of them have, in at- tempts to bring their message of peace and serenity to PEI, been forcibly removed from the ferry boats by gestapo fascist pig cops?

Tithe float

Secondary Institution on Prince Edward Island” of all too recent memory.

We bring this matter to your attention because our Island legislators have shown no willingness to support the Bear Party white- paper proposal to set up a hippie commune of bears on PEI, to which bears of all nationali- ties would be invited. ‘ They would be allowed to dress as they pleased, grow their fur long etc., and listen to loud, erotic records like “Grizzley Bear” by the Youngbloods, Edward Bear, and the ever—popular and frequently- busted Bearheart band. The local upright citizenry should have no cause for complaint, for while bears are very clean-living, and not-

, oriously big spenders, not ONE bear, to our

knowledge, has ever been jailed for smoking marijuana. In fact, they don’t even smoke to- bacco, realizing that the only reason so-called “friendly” Indians gave that noxious weed to Sir Walter Raleigh and other early imperial- ists was because they thought that the white men would all have been killed by cancer be— fore they could become a serious threat to them. Bears are also well-known for their acts of humanitarian knowledge. One noted Bear historian has suggested that Bears be used to patrol Island beaches in the summer- time, emphasizing those that are not usually patrolled by lifeguards. This strikes us as an eminently feasible plan, for not only would

'it give the Bears healthful outdoor recreation

and athletic-type fun in the sun (and even their strongest supporters Will acknowledge that they do have a tendency toward flab), as well as providing them with pocket money to satiate their simple needs, it would also reduce the chances of fatalities in the water; Besides, receiving artificial respiration from a Bear is an experience that tourists will re- member all their lives.

Let’s face it. In these troubled times, wouldn’t you feel safer knowing there were a a squad of clean-cut young Bears around you could tell your troubles to?

And this is only a small part of our re: volutionary policy of joy. For the entire Bear Manifesto in its breathtaking entirety, write to the Great Poo-bah, c/o The Bear Party, 41 Roper Drive, Sherwood, PEI, inclosing $16.02 (no stamps please). Applications for membership, while in no way necessary, can be sent to the same address by anyone who feels that everything must be applied for.

We are also selling the combination “Party Jokes for Dirty-Minded Bears” and roach-holder for only 11c. An example of the many funny gags in this little two-for-the- price-of-one gadget is the following: “What’s a bear pass?” Answer: “50%.” Isn’t that goodl? '

Now just so you won’t think this. that this is all a bear-faced lie prepared by fakes, we hereby affix our pawprints to this docu-‘ ment, signifying that it isgross, ludicrous, psychotic, inane, and in general up to our standards of excellence.

Dare to Bear (signed) - Che Guebeara

manifesto