Scorpio-10/24 to 11/ ye

If you don’t find a new love interest, build one out of household items.

Sagittarius 11/23 to 12/22

If Elvis Stojko can get over a groin injury, why are you complaining about not having any

legs?

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Capricorn 12/23 to 1/ 20 Don’t neglect your

studies. But it is acceptable to put them on hold when “Suddenly Susan” is on.

Aquarius 1/21 to 2/19 Avoid committing to the responsibility of a

new pet. Killer bees sound like a good idea, but it is impossible to

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train them to catch frisbees.

Pisces 2/20 to 3/21 After a few romantic disasters, you should know by now the difference between

dating and wrestling.

Virgo 8/24 to 9/23 You will have a secret admirer, but don’t get too excited. Your admirer’s secret is that

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his favorite movie is “Ernest Goes to Camp.”

Aries 3/22 to 4/20 Too much work is making you a

workaholic and its time you took a break. Become an alcoholic, or better yet a Jerichoholic.

Taurus 4/21 to 5/21 It’s time you got a part time job. It’s the only

way you'll be able to

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pay for some expensive cologne to hide your natural pine odor.

" Gemini 5/22 to 6/21

Prepare for the future today. You should store lots of dry goods in case you ever get too lazy to go to a grocery store.

Cancer 6/22 to 7/23 Hold on to your cash.

to borrow some, but they should learn to

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pay for their own third world foster child.

Leo 7/24 to 8/23 Change your wardrobe now. It’s only a matter

of time before Hammer pants will come back in

style.

Libra 9/24 to 10/23

Romantic sparks will fly, so stay away from old cans of paint.