FACT: Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them would burn their houses down - hence the expression “to get fired.”

OPINION: Now if someone wants to get rid of someone without killing them they throw tennis balls at them during breakfast - hence the expression “get your balls out of my cereal.”

FACT: Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt. OPINION: You don’t want to know how “Nibs” got their name.

FACT: The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. OPINION: I always thought Roger Ebert used his thumb to say whether or not a movie was good, I had no idea he was a wife- beater.

FACT: The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five

ata

must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. OPINION: The rest of the roads are gay.

FACT: Cat’s urine glows under a black light.

OPINION: Dog piss sparkles under the moonlight. It reminds me of your eyes.

FACT: In Cleveland, Ohio, it’s illegal to catch mice without a hunting license. OPINION: It’s so backwards in Cleveland that it’s also illegal to operate a car without a drivers license and murdering people is also against the law.

FACT: Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

OPINION: They’ re probably unhappy because they married people who hate sunsets and long walks on the beach.

FACT: Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars. OPINION: That’s why the Hamburglar steals burgers instead of jacking cars.

FACT: It’s possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. OPINION: I know this for a fact because I have twenty cows in my attic.

because it can be used to light things other than cigarettes.

FACT: Ten percent of the Russian government’s income is derived from the sale of vodka.

OPINION: Russian is not a real language. It is actually the slurred English of a bunch of alcoholics.

FACT: Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate. OPINION: Surprisingly the most successful Jell-O flavor was creamed corn. FACT: On average,

100 people choke to FACT: The average death on ballpoint pens human eats 8 spiders in every year. their lifetime while OPINION: The pen sleeping at night.

may be mightier than OPINION: And I

thought I was only dreaming when | ate those spiders. I wonder if that dream where I’m naked

Russian is

not areal while writing a language. It | vine. where are is actually the| ™y pants? slurred FACT: The shortest English of a | jeween Zarsivar bunch of | Penzivar surrendered

alcoholics. after 38 minutes.

OPINION: If they used Viagra it might

the sword, but He-Man _have lasted up to four

would look like an idiot —_ hours.

if he tried to shove a

Bic down Skeletor’s FACT: Donald Duck

throat. comics were banned in

Finland because he doesn’t wear pants. OPINION: Donald

FACT: Average age of top GM executives in

1994: 49.8 years. Duck was banned from Average age of the the Navy for similar Rolling Stones: 50.6. reasons.

OPINION: When GM

executives say FACT: If the “corporate merger” population of China they’re really talking walked past you in

about screwing their single file, the line

groupies. would never end because of the rate of

FACT: The cigarette reproduction.

lighter was invented OPINION: The

before the match. Chinese get their “freak

OPINION: The match _— on” in line ups.

is light-years ahead of

the cigarette lighter

Ey 2

FACT: A dentist invented the electric chair.

OPINION: The sadistic bastards practically invented pain. The chair was originally used to kill the patient so the doctor could steal his fillings.

FACT: The Boston University Bridge is one of the few places in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.

OPINION: Nuts to that. I bet the trolls under that bridge are

super tough.

FACT: Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.

OPINION: Puff Daddy only has one.

FACT: Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

OPINION: By the time most people are fifty they resemble elephants.

FACT: If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human’s neck,

OPINION: If Ken were life-size he’d still have no penis.

FACT: No word in the English language rhymes with month. OPINION: That’s why

rappers target women instead of calendars.

The word “hoe” rhymes with practically anything.

FACT: It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.

OPINION: It takes two gallons of water to wash the rancid taste out of your mouth.

FACT: Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. OPINION: That’s why he’s considered a hero. Most people don’t even realize that he used to play basketball.

FACT: The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. OPINION: A Super- Soaker water gun has enough pressure to pump human blood 550 feet.

FACT: Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. OPINION: So it’s okay to have sex with a dolphin. They like it too.

FACT: You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider? OPINION: I keep my champagne bottles sealed with poisonous spiders to be on the safe side.