UPEI SUN Jan. 13,1983

THE GOSPEL PCGDRDING 'IO SAINI‘ CRANSTON

BOOK 3: THEFILDD

Thousands of years ago,it

came to pass that the Lord spake unto Saint Cranston, say— ing,"I have made a decision. There are too many lesser be— ings in existence, and so there shalt be a mighty flood. And

it shall rain for forty days and forty nights, and the lesser beings wilt drown, for they know not how to swhn."

And the good Saint Crans— ton didst know who He was ref— erring to such lesser beings as Biologists, Business Students and Artsies. He was not ref— erring to amoebe, plankton, or bacteria, for they were not quite so low.

Then Saint Cranston didst speak, asking Hinlwhat the ' engineers were to do..And the ‘ Iors didst smile,and say,

"Fear not, for the engineers will survive. Thou shalt build me an arc, and it shall be large enough to hold all the engineers, the nurses,the bar tenders, and two of each type of animal: two sheep, two

cows, two pigs, two biologists, two artsies, two business students."

And here Saint Cranston didst forget hﬂnself and interrupt God. He was curious, and didst ask,"But why wouldst thou have Biologists and Art— sies and Business Students accompany us?"

And the Lord in his infin— ite patience, explained,

"Thou shalt need them to clean the toilets, Cranston." And Saint Cranston said "Of course."

So saint Cranston spoke to hid good friend (and fellow engineer) Noah, and ask his

help in building the arc.

Thus, Saint Cranston and Noah,

with the help of all the other

engineers, didst build the

arc before the rain didst begin. The BIologists complained,

that there weren't enough

white rats. The Business

THE

Students said the arc wasn't economically feasible,and,of course, the ArtSies were just confused. That is why most of them drowned. v And the forty days and forty nights didst passwith out incident(except for the biologist who tried to disect himself). As the flood waters subsided one of the engineers didst site some floating bottles. And lo and behold, they hadst found the barn. And yea, verily, the brew was ' indeed good.

— St. Cranston

Dear Mom and Dad,

Hi. Sorry I hadn't written yet but I've been awfully busy. well, my final year at U.P.E.I. is almost through and I've begun to plan my next two years at T.U.N.S. YOu know I've done really well in my three years here—— I've managed to stay off the Dean's List for the last five semestres—— so I would like to continue my studies and get my degree. Anyway,

I might be in need of a little financial assistance so I've enclosed an outline of my pro- jected expences next year. I figure I won't be able to save any of it because I'm going to Europe for the sunnem'but I'd appreciate it if you'll have the money ready in cheque fonn when I get home. Thank you. . YOur loving son, Cranston Snord

P.S. If you need any sug_

gestions for my graduating present, I need a new tacirnmﬁxm for my Ferrari.

C.S.'s HOME HEALTH HINTS: Make your own pregnancy test— ing kit

YOu'll need: 7‘

l) A ruler

2) A piece of string big— ger than your normal waist size. To be on the safe side check the length by pulling the chord out of saneone else's pajamas and laying the

.ENGINEER'S '

Biawczxw ' 5

increasing the national incidence of necrophil— ism without any of the associated social stigma. As we have already stated we have yet to recieve any complaints frtnlany of our users. God rest thier souls. Take two tylenols

two side by side on the bath- Irxnlfloor.

3) A paper and pencil what to do:

Before sex measure your midrift using the string and the ruler(see above). Record the results on a piece of

and store sanewhere _ §:¥:f Repeat the same proc— and call us in the edure after sex, and subtr— afterlife. act the two figures. The _i_.________________‘w , answer should be zero. Cont— i ' inue the measurements daily, ‘ plotting the results on a graph: a consistent rise in waist l size over a period of months ‘ ~ _ tells you what you need to ; knOW.

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c. C.Snord 1983

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why~

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