FACT: Every year, about 4,000 people are injured by their pillows, and another 6,000 people are injured by their pajamas. OPINION:: There’s nothing worse than a bad case of “pajama burn” for your genitals. Make sure your pajamas are loose fitting, and never share them with strangers that hang out at the food court of your local mall.

FACT: During:a pro football game in New York, a giant inflatable lawn mower being used for a__pro- motion fell into the stands and killed a spectator.

OPINION:: I can barely fit a small cat under my lawn mower, but imagine the splatter a football fan would make.

FACT: A load of pigs in a jumbo jet in 1995 produced so much gas that they set off the plane’s fire alarm.

OPINION:: When a fire alarm goes off during a flight, do they bother calling the fire department? I suppose that’s why there are lad- ders on fire trucks.

FACT: In 1982, a man in southern California successfully flew up to 16,000 feet in the air ina _ lawn chair attached to balloons filled with helium.

OPINION:: I can’t think of a bet- ter way to spend an afternoon than relaxing in a lawn chair and catch- ing fresh pigeons the old fashioned way.

FACT: Smog limits the amount of skin damage from sunlight. OPINION:: You might look healthy, but exposure to too much smog can do crazy things to your ability to see through women’s clothing.

FACT: In 1995, a chicken fell into a well on a small farm in Egypt. Six people drowned trying to save it.

OPINION:: You’d risk your life for a chicken too if you wanted to impress a group of sexy hens.

FACT: One species of fly can fly faster than a modern passenger jet at more than 500 miles an hour.

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FACT: In the early 1950s, coon- skin caps were so popular that the price paid for raccoon tails jumped from 25 cents a pound to 8 dollars a pound.

OPINION:: Now you'd have to get a store owner pretty drunk before they’d sell you a pound of racoon tails for 8 dollars. That’s why I grow my own.

FACT: In the 1930s, the Mafia fought turf wars to control. minia- ture golf courses in New York City. OPINION:: These gangsters were the toughest little midgets to ever hit the streets of New York City. Thank God for Dick Tracy.

FACT: In 1947, the FDA began investigating bubble gum by testing it on animals because of reported health problems caused by chewing it.

OPINION:: I used to test all food on my dog before eating it, but we learned the hard way that scented candles were not safe to eat while lit.

FACT: Silly Putty was first called Gooey Gup.

OPINION:: There’s nothing silly about putty...except when it bounces. That’s pretty silly.

FACT: The average Great Dane can live up to 10 years, and the

average Pekinese can live up to 16 years.

OPINION:: I wouldn’t sell a Great Dane life insurance no matter how great he claimed to be. It’s nothing personal. I couldn’t sell life insur- ance to anyone. I’m not a qualified

life insurance salesman. And I

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FACT: During a company party, a man died of a heart attack while dancing the Twist. His widow received workman’s compensation because it was an official company function.

OPINION: : It’s a little known fact that more people have died listen-

ang to Chubby Checker than

Slayer, Megadeath, and Hedonistic Machiavellians combined.

FACT: Scientists announced that a human = stomach _ can hold as many ~~ as 150 goldfish, or about ~ 1,000 calo-

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FACT: In some . parts of the world baked bat is a delicacy.

OPINION:: In some parts of the world people never heard of the Moffats. Are they crazy or are we?

FACT: In 1940, minor riots broke out at some stores as women rushed to buy nylon peniiies for the first time.

OPINION:: The fake time I bought nylon stockings a riot almost broke out. I never bought nylon stockings at a prison again.

FACT: A traditional gourmet deli- cacy in France is cow brain fritters. OPINION:: You could put the name of anything in front of the

word fritter and it would automati- cally sound like a bad idea.

FACT: In parts of Africa, stewed cat is considered a delicacy. OPINION:: Wait until they try the George Foreman Grill.

FACT: In narts of Asia, chewing betel nut, which turns teeth black, is a sign of social status. OPINION:: Where I come from — Cape Breton — wearing a freshly- ironed {Iron Maiden t-shirt and a pair of jeans is a sign of social sta- tus.

FACT: In 1979, the world record for snail eating was challenged by a French diner who consumed 72 snails in 3 minutes. He died of snail poisoning. OPINION:: Some might say he died for a good cause, but they’d be lying. He got greedy and paid the price like all those other snail-eat- ing scumbags.

FACT: Only 10 percent of the characters on TV programs are overweight. More than 60 percent of the TV audience is overweight. OPINION: : If they stopped show- ing those programs about famines in Africa, maybe we could _ bal- ance out fat people on TV ratio.

FACT: A school in Mesopotamia in 2000 BC had rules for caning stu- dents.

OPINION:: The most inipotfant rule for caning students is to teach them that violence doesn’t solve anything. So teachers would ran- domly beat the shit out of students for no reason.

FACT: Harry Houdini figured out how to escape from straight jackets when he was only 22 years old. OPINION:: That’s nothing. I’ve been escaping from straight jackets ever since my Dad started home schooling me.

The Faction