Your Horror- Scope:

Yes, it is that time again — the time when the always popular “Genie of the Gem’? emerges from his crystal bottle of astro- logical science to deliver this month’s horrorscope for you, the students of U.P.E.I. These character analyses were derived from careful speculation from a number of reliable Among these sources include my astral co-horts, the degree of elevation that the moon is hover- ing over Blanchard Hall, and the theoretical existance of atmos- pheric conditions on one of saturn’s moons. For, you see, this is all very scientific in nature ...

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sources.

CAPRICORN (Goat):

December 22 — January 19

Like your zodiacal sign, the Goat, you will eat anything. How- ever, you tend to break your rule when it comes to Saga Food. Your gluttonery for food has become legendary in your home town, which has named a new greasy spoon restaurant after your nick- name, The ‘Triple Chin after Burner”. Most Capricorns be- come taste testers and then die from malnutrition.

Aquarius (Water Bearer): January 20 — February 18

You come from a quiet, rural town where men are men and sheep are nervous. In-breeding was common in this town, which accounts for the fact that every- one there looks alike. You are proud of your heritage, but then again, you don’t know any better. All of your animals ran away. You dislike strangers, so you usually give them a bad time. You are a mutant.

Pisces (Fishes): February 19 — March 20

You are a determined individual who will stop at nothing to get what you want. This includes shoving your greasy hands down cereal boxes to get the hidden surprise. You are a disgrace to your family. Your mother leaves rat poison in your favorite mug. Pisces always get murdered by their ‘friends.’”

you. Go see a shrink.

Aries (Ram): March 21 — April 19

Men call you “‘Jock’’, women call you often. You are strong, but unattractive. You flatter yourself often, but deep down, you know that you are a loser. You are never satisfied with those around you. You expect more from themNo one is good enough for you, not even yourself. Most Rams kill themselves after talking to Psychology students.

Taurus (Bull): April 20 — May 20

People whom you meet are stupified by your apparant lack of taste and elegance in your choice of clothing. These poor initial impressions are usually com- pounded by your stuttering and slurred speech. Your personality scares them, and they usually “tun away’? from you. Most Taurus’s become Taxi Drivers who cause many accidents when their ‘‘friends’” drive away at breakneck speed to avoid them.

Gemini (Twins): May 21 — June 20

Your friends always dig up old pictures, old stories and old nick- names of yours, and it is driving you crazy. You want to get even, but you know that you are too stupid to do anything creative. You get depressed easily, especial- ly after having to eat your own cooking. Your sister calls you names. You're so vain, you pro- bably think this part was about

Cancer (Crab): June 21 — July 22

You are a righteous dude. You are a go-getter, and an upright, moral citizen. Everybody idolizes you. Groupies gather at your doorstep. In fact, you are so squeaky clean, that no one would believe of all the underhanded things that you have done in your life. For the unfortunate few who get in your way, you are ruthless and quick. You are the mogul of crime. Most Cancers are: assassi- nated in their prime by “‘the one that got away.””

Leo (Lion): July 23 — August 22 You scare people. They take you too seriously. Lighten up! On entering bars, the bouncers shy away from you. Your Mailman delivers your mail to your neigh- bours house so that he doesn’t have to meet you every morning. Your hair style makes you look like the Bride of Frankenstein. Upon passing Great Danes, they jump into their owner’s arms, giving him a hernia. So calm down and relax — take a valium!

Virgo (Virgin): August 23 — September 22

Your lustiness has given you the reputation of being anything but virgiaal. You make crude, sexist jokes every 7.5 minutes. In fact, you have been known to crack the crudest jokes imaginable at the most formal of occasions. However, you are clever — when you tell people that you are sterile, they believe you. Virgo’s tend to break their own necks when the perfect ‘10” walks by.

By BRIAN LINKLETTER

Libra (Balance)

September 23 — October 22,

The Scales of Justice do not apply to you. You are in the middle. Actually, you are in the middle of many things, because you are very wishy-washy. You have no opinions of your own. You are always among the “1.5% undecided.’’ You have the intel- lect of a kitten in heat. People always push you around. You are a follower.

Scorpio (Not Jack):

October 23 — November 21

Deep down inside, you want to be a vigilante. You hate what is going on all around you, and. you would like a way to stop it. You are security-conscious, so you even lock up your extra ‘“‘imita- tion batman mask”’, just in case. You see crime and corruption everywhere, even in the Girl’s Washroom, where you have been caught three times now. Most Scorpio’s become like the criminals that they are chasing.

Sagittarius (Archer):

November 22 — December 21

Your aim is perfect. Unfortu- nately, you aim in the wrong direction. You have been known to score in your own team’s net. You are very athletic, but you are confused as to why you are always the last person picked for the team. Your sense of balance is such that you tend to fall out of your chair in the middle of class. Most Sagittarians become either circus clowns or corporate scape- goats.

— HAVE A NICE DAY —

.+. no, really, I mean it ... honest!

JOBS JOBS JOBS

The Student Union is accepting applications for the following positions: CIMN Assistant Manager $25.00 per week Assistant Head Bartender Bartender $4.00 per hour Student Council Recording Secretary $20.00 per meeting (Meetings Sunday evenings 7:30-10:30) Student Judicial Committee Volunteer Ist year Representative 2nd year Representative Social Committee

Member Volunteer Fall Fest Chairpersons

(Chairthings?) Volunteer Chief Returning

Officer Volunteer

Applications can be picked up at the Student Union Building, Monday through _—Friday Monday through Friday from 9:00 AM to 4:00 PM. Applica- tion deadline is September 26, 1986

JOBS JOBS JOBS

YACK SCORPIO'S FIRST LESSON IN

SITTING NEXT TO AN INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL.

WOMAN... IT NEVER HURTS TO SAY “HI”.

NOT FAR AWAY...

THAT'S HER, EDWARD. START _THE == CAR!

oN? Lh we 7 Fi REG

SPRING INTO ACTION!