THE DREAM by Brian

It was a dark and stormy night in the year 1991. I was sitting at my desk in Marian Hall when the lights wentout. AsI got up [tripped over my dog and sprained my ankle.

When I woke up, I was in Kentucky. I heard the telephone ringing sol answered it. Itwasa low raspy voice you would expect to hear ina story like this. ‘‘ You dirty little fart,’’ he said, ‘‘I’m gonna kill you!!!’ Then the line went dead. I was lost ind asked a travelling cookie salesman for directions. He said that I should go back to sleep and I would end ip in Venice unless somebody killed me first. I hanked him and went to sleep. WhenI woke up! was ina gondola. I fell out of the boat and would ave drowned if a friendly sewer-dwarf hadn’t helped ne. It gave mea magic book. Everything after that s sort of foggy.

awoke ona strange island. Since I had the magic ook, they had to give me the chief’s hat. When I jicked up the hat I felt a surge of nausea flow through ne. There was a flash of light, and I was in Beverly lills. “‘Holey-moley,’’ I said, ‘‘thisis wacky!’’ I eard strange noises, so I hid behind an empty fish ank. When I peeked out there was a whole flock of jant sea-turtles. I screamed and they turned to harge me. Luckily I had my trusty shoe with me. I poled it out and said the magic word Ladadidadodido’’ and then I threw ir at them and an. When I looked back they were still recovering om my little diversion. I ducked into a movie dio sound stage. They were filming the greatest 1ovie of alltime, Star Wars. I yelled ‘‘Help!!! uke Skywalker, save me!!!’’ Just then a giant X- /ing fighter flew around the corner, It was Luke. ducked inside a building. It was the set for Lassie. 8 | was closing the door, a little puppy tried to bite leg off. Itchased me throughout the set. I was Owing down to turn a corner when ran into some- ody. I fell and hit my ear on the floor.

‘hen I woke up, I was in Moscow in the middle of ed Square at the grand opening of Myron’s. Ofall \¢ people in Russia, | met Gorbachev, who was there See if they had any whole-wheat bread, We hada jeat talk and then went out for chicken. The fun ist didn’t stop and we went ona tour of the local

n il factory. Some time after that, we went to the

private warehouse of the Kremlin and got into the finest Russian hamburgers, which weren’t very good. When I said ‘‘You’re pink!’’, they gotreally mad. For this I was sent to Pittsburgh. They were all ready to make me watch Star Trek when the fire alarm went off in a nearby laboratory, so they locked me in a room with Luciano Pavarotti instead. Things got worse when he started to sing. He sang too high and exploded. I was sent flying and landed in Chicago. Of all the people on the planet Zilch, I met Ziggy, who was now a baseball owner. We went to find some smoke bombs fora party that Zilch was having. Before the party, he took me to meet the rest of the gang, Pfill, Pfarr, Essex, and Thomas-Quigley. We all went to a Perry Como concert and on our way to the party, a kangaroo jumped out and spat at us.

When I woke up my head was throbbing and I was in Sudbury. Everything was spinning and I could see pink lollipops. ThenI hauled out my trusty Webley- Vickers 50-80 and shouted ‘‘Vile suckers, be gone or Ill blow the @$%* &!!! out of ya!!!’ There was a flash of speed. One of them had actually turned into Tina Turner’s press agent. I took one look and ran. The lollipops were after me. I jumped over the Berlin Wall and landed in a giant stew pot. The lollipops caughtup withme. Their leader said ‘* You have disturbed the sacred crypt of Jill. For this, you are being sent to the studios of Front Page Challenge, to die!!!’’ Then someone kicked me in the funnybone with achainsaw.

When I woke up I wasin Toronto. A giant fly landed next to me and asked if I would like to play a shoe in the upcoming movie, Joe the Shoemaker: a Family Adventure. I thought that that was a good idea, so off we went. Since I was so cool, I got to meet the star of Different Stars Every Week. We started off well enough, and lost track of time. All of asudden he jumped up and roared ‘‘You made mea star you no-good waste basket!!!’” Then he punched me in the nose and knocked me out.

When! woke up, Freddy Kreuger was standing over me. I said ‘*Hellothere Burny!’’ andthenTran. | ducked into a bathroom and grabbed a mirror. When Fred caught up to me, I held out the mirror. He got so scared that he ran away. Then Gladys, the movie director, started screaming at me for ruining the whole scene. She yelled *‘KawabungaAAAA!!!”’ and karate chopped me on the finger nail and everything faded to black.

November 21,1991

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