NovemBeER 15, 2005

THE CADRE ¢ 4

OPINION & COMM.

oNTARY

Fact and Opinion

Pete Grandy Reporter

Fact: This article makes light of people’s sexual orientation, nationality and culture.

Opinion: If you are offended, please complain because I’m sure that your time wouldn’t be need elsewhere.

Fact: The Nobel Peace Prize medal depicts three naked men with their hands on each other’s shoulders. Opinion: Nothing says peace like a three way buggery romp.

Fact: It’s an insult to tip at a restaurant in Iceland.

Opinion: “How dare you give me extra money for my services. Rot in hell!”

Fact: The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad

Opinion: I thought for sure it was going to be Muammar.

Fact: Until the nineteenth century, solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia

Opinion: “Honey, you’d better fill up the car today, it’s going up three bags of Earl Grey tomorrow.”

Fact: It’s against the law in Chicago to eat ina place that is on fire.

Opinion: If somebody needs a law for this situation, being charged with the violation is the least of their concerns.

Fact: There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S. than real ones. Opinion: This explains why the US is

the biggest economic giant in the world today.

Fact: Approximately 13 people each

year are killed by Vending Machines falling on them. Opinion: Someone that would risk being crushed to get free junk food out of a Vending Machine probably isn’t contributing to society anyways.

Fact: In 1933, Mickey Mouse, an animated cartoon character, received 800,000 fan letters

Opinion: It’s good to hear that even

‘during the Depression people managed

to put money aside for the necessities.

Fact: “Formicophilia” is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals.

Opinion: “Uh, Professor, are you aware

of any insect that is known for its

cleanliness?”

Fact: Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.

Opinion: That seems reasonable seeing how most ducks it real life wear pants. In fact, one of my old buddies used to be a duck pantser.

Fact: Several well documented instances have been reported of extremely obese people flushing aircraft toilets whilst still sitting on them. The vacuum action of these toilets sucked their rectum inside out.

Opinion: At least wiping will be easy.

... And Now For Something Completely

Different: The Rants o

Ryan Gallant Contibutor

Well, good old Air Canada has decided to discontinue serving complimentary snacks on their flights. Fine! Keep your damn sesame snacks. It’s not enough that we have to pay $200 to get off this damn island on those Dash 8 Puddle Jumpers, (which, by the way, are not the best plane to fly, take-off, or land in, during rain, wind, snow, or basically in any flight that the plane has to actually leave the ground) but now I get to starve in-flight too. This whole flying experience pisses me off. It doesn’t make it any better that flight attendants talk to me as if I was a 3 year old with ADD and smiles, while her eyes suggest that they would much rather stab me with a fork than get me another water. And when flights are over, no one ever seems to be in any kind of rush to get off the damn plane. Suddenly seemingly simple tasks, such as picking up a briefcase and walking, take the average air traveler upwards of 4 and a half months. (The wait was so long on a recent flight that a friend and I took the time to compose an entire song entitled “Pick up your shit, and get off the plane.”) Of course, I guess it’s not only Air Canada that has recently “sucked ass” in its customer service. CanJet, in addition to allowing 3.4 square inches for legroom, also provides perhaps the most unprofessional flight crews in the industry and aircraft that are about as comfortable as a refurbished Soviet bomber.

The al-Qaeda came out last week to justify bombings last summer (which is stupid to try to justify to your

fa University Student

average mentally sane person in the first place) by telling the world that one of the most severe enemies of Islam is, you guessed it, Queen Elizabeth II. Yes, Osama has apparently fingered Queen Elizabeth as one of the “severest enemies of Islam.” Yep. An 80 year old woman is a “severe threat” to the entire Islamic community. I think I speak for everyone when I say: “You are out of your mind.” What the hell has she done to Islam? I’m pretty sure all she does is drive around and wave at people. The Queen is about as much ofa threat to Islam as Lamb Chops is. And she’s dead.

Yay! Ricky Martin is back! Wonderful. Does anyone else give a crap? I thought we were done of this nonsense. And the ridiculously obnoxious pop/dance is really improved by the incredibly imaginative lyrics of this genius: “Shake your bon- bon, Shake your bon-bon, Shake your bon-bon, Up in the Himalayas, C’mon

‘I wanna lay ya.” The complex videos

with that moronic hack Enrique macking it up with famous teenage girls are pretty classy too. “You can run, you can hide but you can’t escape my love’”? Stalker much? Real healthy there freakshow. Frig off.

Canadians came out and celebrated Remembrance Day this past week in honour of veterans who have fought for our country in conflicts around the world. I am always touched by the thunderous applause for the increasingly aging and increasing small number of veterans as they march through Charlottetown. Sadly, this year also marked the first time that there were no World War I veterans at Ottawa’s Remembrance Day ceremonies. Not only is this a shocking reality check to see that the young men

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