... AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT: The Rants of a University Student

Well it appears as though the UPEI custodial staff were busy again this summer, once again putting up an incredible amount of signs in an attempt to aid students in their everyday activities. If you've been in any bathrooms on campus, chances are you've already noticed the brilliant "Press slowly OR paper towel will JAM!" sign on every last paper towel dispenser. Sadly, the "In an effort to curb another outbreak of SARS, wash your hands" sign has been retired, but has been aptly replaced by a "Flush after use" sign on some of the toilets on campus. Just in case you happen to forget exactly how they operate.

That was quite a friggin summer was- n't it? Yeah right. We had like what? Three beach days? Sweet. And now we're back for another year on the coldest campus on the face of the earth. Not to mention home of the most intolerant and unforgiving security personnel this side of Beijing. Parking the old Saturn outside the gym at in the morning just ain't what it used to be. And even after having paid a whole friggin dollar for an hour on the wonderful new parking meters, there was the good old security van that we all know and love at 8:55, two minutes after the time ran out, ticketing my ass once again. The worst part is though that my dad recently got one of those new Canadian Forces veteran license plates put on the car. Who tickets a veter- an? Honestly. Yeah yeah, I know, we're all tired of people com- plaining about parking and security in ‘The Cadre' and stuff, but I mean come on, this is a man who fought in some far-off country so that we could park wherever we damnwell pleased. Not so that some half-pint security guard could drive around in a cute little mini van and charge me $10 for two minutes of parking. What the hell is this world coming to anyway?

So yeah, a pretty crazy summer all around. The United States Judicial System broke with tradition and decided to actual- ly send a celebrity to jail. Granted, it was just Martha Stewart. Yeah, that's what we need to do, send the real menacing bastards to prison. Forget O.J. and Kobe and Wacko Jacko. They're just murderers, rapists and child molesters. But Martha, oh man, she screwed with their money. O0O00O00Oo. Man were they caked at her. I guess money just ranks a little bit higher on the priority list than

I guess money just

ranks a little bit higher on the priority list than a real justice system.

a real justice system.

And what about that American jerk-off who dropped the bombs on the Canadian soldiers a few years back? Do you know what sort of decisive punishment he received to make an example of soldiers like him who disobey direct orders and drop payloads of explosives on allied soldiers that flew half-way around the world to fight the US "War on Terror"? They took half of his salary away for two months. Wow. You punks better watch out! : Next time you ‘accidentally’ kill a bunch of Canadians maybe we'll take three quarters of your pay. That's right. Don't screw with us. Let me put this in perspective for a minute here. Todd Bertuzzi was suspended for an indeterminable amount of time from playing NHL hockey and was fined the equivalent of $501,926.23 for his cheap shot on that Moore kid from Colorado, not to mention of course the media being at his throat for months. Major Harry Schmidt of the 183rd Illinois Air National Guard however, lost $5700.00 off his pay for dropping bombs on Canadian soldiers on a training course after being ordered NOT to drop anything and to get the hell out of there. Oh but sure, Bertuzzi's hit was dirty and Moore wasn't expecting a cheap shot from behind. Yeah well I doubt that the Canadian troops were really expecting a USAF plane to drop a couple 225 kg bombs on them. Oh the poor pilot though, he must've got lost in the moment. Yeah, well we don't accept that as an excuse for Bertuzzi, so why should it for Schmidt? Funny that the NHL would have a more comprehensive and suitable justice system than the American Armed Forces. _ ;

And finally, again following a totally logical story line, this week marks the 102nd anniversary of the Rocky Mountain Development Company striking oil in Alberta. Well, isn't that spe- cial. If that doesn't call for a Bud Light, I don't know what does. Have a good week, keep your stick on the ice and keep flushing those damn toilets. ei ryangallant@hotmail.com

UPEI Cadre September 28, 2004 page 8