l

i

4

i

l

1..., ’ ],°“‘.'“'"°in me umm- ~li'iiuir--~l ~f"l;1-In cl=ntnL01"r_s°rowNf..oUARnIAN __ -

° - - f -'~'- v - - . rx..--..~-»r ---,‘

eerv».nt)_\'

may tell you maid because

___ __ with the police-

me .

M1116! "Oh, you won't find me

friendly with 'em, mum, ~ I was lrrought ,up to hate the sight or 'em, mum. My dear old dad was 4 burglar, mum!"

i 1

Old Salt: "Yes, mum, t.hem'» men.,

o'war."

Sweet' Young Thing: 'How interest.

dh’ -WED

ing! And what are tho little ones ~

just in front?"

Old Salt: “()h. them'8 just tugs,

-mum."

Sweet Young Thing: "Oh, yes, of

course; tugs-of-war. l've heard of them.” _ I _

° All Or None.

The late Major Gaynor of New York, who once said that he had come to the 00h0luslon we would have less bother- with our suffragettes if we would find husbands for them all, tolls a story of s. lady whose spelling was ruthor erratic. She wits very touchy on tho subject, and ,her de- mands "for information us to correct spelling sometime placed her peace- loving hunbllnd in a. delicate position. One-duy while she was writing a. let- ter she glanced up to ask, "John, do you spell 'graphic' with one f or two!" "Weil, my dear," was the thoughtful reply, "if you're going to use any you might as well go the whole hog." .

l ‘ Nover Heard of-

Tho Andrew Lang story iliustrciting

thc indifference with which a prophet is often regarded by his coluntrymcil recalls tt conversation once over- hcilrdnt an East Fife railway stai- tion. An English admirer of the prime minister wlls conversing with a rllliwily porter on Mr. Asquitlrs long connection with the constitu- ency. ~ Aye, aye!" was the trite oornmenl- “We've dune w.eel by Malster Asqulth. It's hardly likely =he wad ever been heard o' if it

ha_ilnlt been for us."

Another Rep For Shskspere.

Mother: Llon't use that word again. Son: Shtiltcspellro said lt. Mother: \'-ou musn’t plily with lllm tiny inure.

A Vicious Locomotive.

“Whnt orc the pitssongers looking

out of the window' for?" ilskcd xi nor- votis‘illily plisscllgcr on the train lis the conductor crime thru.

“We rain ovcr at cat, madltm," sold

thc conductor.

“Was thc cnt on the track?" she

nnxt asked. ‘ .`

"Oh, no. ma.‘am,". assured th'e.con- dilctor, ~ “Tfhc locomotive chssed’”‘hol' up the alley." `

,-..._..,.,_.,, -_ . ,

Delaylng the Law, "How in the world wiltyou- dig

un more evidence to get mc a new tiilll?"

"ilon't worry about that," replied

the l:l\vyci'. "Ali you havc to do is to dig up more money."

A Difference of Taste. ‘

Mi-si Llston Welle: Don't you think

Miisit 'l`llunlpi’ol‘tl is playing that iloi'turllo thru too fllst?

Mr. A. lioliriinliinz Too fnst! Good piivens, nlaiililmel Silo cz\ll't nlliy i. thru too flist to suit mc!

Sclloollrlistrc-ss (ondcilvoring to lill-

press upon tile clnss the mcilnliii: of the word "c\iticlo"): "Now, i’oll_y' Johnson. tt-li,nie wlliit it is with whlcll my fuco and llallds orc co\'cl'ed,"

Bock clinic tllu llnswcr witll stui'i~_ lllip;_ilrolllptitudcz "1"rccklcs, Mis'..l"

Atta-llllant tin British Museum):

"This hook. sir. was once owned by

Cicero." _

.i\llicl~lc:ln Tourist: "Pshawl titatli

nothing. \Vhy, in one of our Ameri- can museums wo llzlvc thd lend piiilcli with \vhlcli_ Nolili used to chock off thc oliilnllls as they camo out ot t.lc ark-‘T

A mral' \vn:l fixing his motor cor.

"'i‘ro\lblc?" risked ri bystunllei.

"Yon," was tho laconic answer.

“Vlillnt power cur is it?"

"l<`ort_v-ilornr-," came the onswcr. "Whitt liecms to lic thc mutter with

it?"

“Welt froin the wily she acts I

.sv A-vi

I ‘L _ \ _ I _ `

Q _ ~, a _N ‘ "' , :-it' "` '.` _' *

._ 4, 13 ' ~-»~7Tl,.I _ir ‘ . , _ . I fl. , -- , }

` tri, -L ~ ~ ‘ i

- i -I ‘_ --*_ .,; ».i . . .~ _..,..'_,..,'L

ll*

5.' ` `= -‘A

li T

D ._ /S19 l .

’\

,'7\_

-._

(lid Gclltiolllitnz “\\'cfll, sonny,

the .nii=i_vnl' to|illirl'o\v‘.”‘

Ht-out: “.\lti_vol'l \\'o only turn

I suppose your corps will help glllwil

out for Royals.”

should sily ilizit thirty-liine of the llorscs wer; <il~4id." _ _

'l'\\'o young lll'.iti'oll.~i \vllo became

prtitld li’i\iiil»'i'>i not `lulli.; Since \\`il'e 1.-tii'l‘.cstly t|i~.t-llsnillg lilo i1tlo.~ltioli of milk for iniuilts. wlii-il thc youllgcr alskcll;

"ilu you lielicve in unc i-o\v’l~l mllk'!" “Wt-ii." i'i:.\pollili-il till- iitlli-L mitt-

l'i»ii, with tilt i.\‘i-f-ssivt-ly plltrolli;/.lllg nil' of one \\'ilo ltiiows it i.ili, “tillit \i.-- pollds ll good di-til oil tilt- cllilti. it l'.'s it ;.','ooil. sitrulig. llclililiy liatiiy, :lilil \\'unts it, i‘d givt it two \:o\vs` iiliik; hut it dues coirulilily st-viii tluit .lily ordinary 'lllfuilt \votllflil't lleoil more than one coiv could tiirnisii."

run or just solmc follow dragging ll

n

ii

' r

.1, csc, »

to have." replied the reverend gentle- man. _ ' "Did he explain the reason why ho

would nog let lgu goflf' __

es, sr. e said t ere wasn't

'bait enough for two."--Hzrpor’l Mhgazine.

Z Asking a Favor. ,

_ “Can I believe my eyes?" exclaimed Ml'-,Ti\l1kiHB.` as he cont’-roritod the bursiar. Mr~ 'rlinidns iliiil been sent down tin the middle of the night to investigate a. strange noise, which proved to hotthe family silver in

Process of packing up.

The burglar ‘reached for his gun. but Mr. Tlmkiins grabbed the hand

instead. _ "D.0I\'f-'.” he sa.id, giving the hand a.

cordial shake._ "You don’t: know how much l'm interested lin you. Stay awhile. I wont you to meet Mrs.

Tlmklns."

"While you'ra_ cal-ling 9, cop! Ng;

on your life!" retorted the burglar.

"No," said Mr. Timkins; “I just

want you to stay while I call my wife. She's hoard you at work every night for twenty years, and this is the first chanco she's ever had to sec you."-Now York Evening Poet. . _

..,_.___ Jones Caught.

Jones u'suail caught the five-

thirty train out of tho Grand Central for New Roche le- This day, how- ever. he had _ct :l friend and ro- .» mulnod ovcr toirenew zlrqlitiintnnce-

Shih. l_lo lvai; plllinll' up iiglilnst it, but finally _lliniigud to get iiit-

f°il0Wih!! wire ff to Mrs. Jones:

Missed tllcrfivc-illil~t_v. i)on't

keep diliilci' wuitiilg. \Vill be it lit. tic iotc'tonight." ’

it was lung after midlligllt when

he lr\ft_ thc triiin at Now I`tocliolio iind ton minlltcn izltor before he rt-:iclloil

homc. _

Mrs. Joncs met him lit thc from

door.

“You not my llll‘.=t:iii1.:o, rl:ll°lill;:'."' llc

asked, prcssinl; ii liox of bollhoils in- to hcl' llllllde. '

“till >`t""" ‘tlilclfiy rctur-lloii .\lrs.

liiwn-mower along th - comont side- ' g' ' ‘ vmlk!-. *` ‘ Jonrs. _‘i got it itll right. lint l

_Expert Angler.

Silo tilftor :l qtizirrcl)---You were ii.

nil‘ili.:i.-;lilig young mztll when I mar- rild you!

uoulll like to knou wily you sont :t \\‘li'c :it foul’-,tl_iil'ty. tolling me you hzld missed the tivo-tllirty train."

Jones couldn't.

l|i».~['1i give yuu cl-05|; ful- land. "My boy," silid n father thc other

ing me. \

For About Fifty Doliail_-n.~

_ Airs. l‘lillit~y-'-'~li<iiii:~ llro .' tg be

l~lillfl|ily_trilll_lni\,i1 this yo-,H-_

llrlili~_\'»~-iio\v :ilioiit lliislmlltls? .\li‘ll. ljztiluy-Siintily tl‘iinlricd also.

Local Color.

(lily, ns ho i`ro\\'n<~d over his son‘:s rr-port from school. "the srcrct ut is\io<~css is llzlrd work."

“lf it‘s :i socrct, dzld, you sholiltln’t

hilvc niorltioilcnl it. 1-`ol~tuti;\tcly. l'm too mllrll oil n gc-ntiemzin to ttikc :ltl\'zintai;_o of lilforirnltlon gained lil lil tllnl wily."-'ilostoii ’1‘ruillscript_

lt was tiic first morning in scilslrio

'.»>rAn}i.0Hit|Gi’f..Qi }`00i'i'l‘\lil'y. in address- "Get me it cup," printed thc ox- _ r _ . , ., , ing his iimilllis, iilz'\<‘ic`tt silrrmtt' tltltis- gttgrj m;~n¢H_-_»»_;|-_ --S,_,m.y,,0(|y stole a3_g_‘,\?f!:sgd'ndta§\3S\.|;f‘gtk ton to thi- nit-il.lis worn ily »soiil_<.~ \c'i;’._ gm).-_¢0,,,_ll _ _ _,_ _ dmv" ms. Edit” Cup Ish; Umncd __

erliils in tlio latllks. Uno of lilo volt- »-_F in _ ~, . f - , , , _

untcers w-int hunic ill :i vcl-y thought- :R,c,,u‘\€L‘xD;Ur‘;,£:)'L; C|§?_"_H0,"i` .. ,h H

ful friime oi’ liiinci, llnd til.; folliin>ill;," ,_§,,,m ,_(`)"105c yum. sh,,,{._...__Cm,m.u on dwg.. she, £31" ,,b Vfcclt zi,|ipi-'i‘.l'¢:t. till' iirlil \\'itli c\ L-illl “mow ` I ’ 'g t "3 °‘"‘U" ul mllriuls ul. his lii'<=:.t:li. ' Stihl alle of ' ____ _ __ __ my

ltis conipllliiolls: “i dlilll't.kilow you haul si-ell 9,-.r\'icc."

“No. I iiin'l." Silitl tho main( - ' -- _ .

"\Voli. llii‘.i~ul_ioui. tllv iiiciiiilfs? ’l`iic;r

Cun't be yours." _

"Cuil't tht`~y,'! Ayc, but they lic. tlol' nuid cnc won 'cm :lil ot.tll’ cilttic slimil-"

She was :i splendid zlcrvunt- init :.l~.c

didil'i k|lo\\' zliiytllllig zliiout gas lu cook \vllli. so tlliit pile could sro llov. the i,-lin silivc Was*opoi'nti~ti.'Iic ill t-:ich of lilo illzilly lilil'ilrl's.

Whiiu still i'~xiilziiilili_i.; it inc-sszigc

cllllini llllll i`lolil tllc ilitcliun, onli lie; loft her. s;i_\'illr;‘, "I giicss you will fliltl thilt it \\'.ili 'worlt itll right ilolv- Martini," \

tie i‘ii<iil’t scc the cook ugnin for

four or iivv iitiys. tllvll upon cllti:rill;: thc kltcllcll llo snlfl:

"\Veil. Murtllll. now's illltt raiiltxo

doing?"

'i‘o ills utter constrwllntion, sho ro-

plied:

“'i.icoll, sir, tllalt's tho ticst stoxc

I cvci' did soo, Thr iii-o what you klililicd for mr four illiys llgu is i-till a-liurnillgi and it :llil‘t oven lo\vci‘t't1 once."

One or the Other. ,

"Luster," valid old lfnclc 1<‘oi>lii.~;x,

who \\'ns,tiotl to ills ch'iir li_v lllrii- nllitiism. “Gu to tilt- iviiitlou' slllilsiit- if tiiilt's thc ilrc colliiilllly lli:illillu li

CIGAQ HOLDEQ.

i Cl<.»ADF.T:"F,

1

,

" /_ ._ -~

f-5

ol

g--v

. Guilty.

\Vif'e -There must have been some

fluilzslllnvllt fill' King' tilllolrion.

lluliliy---’1‘llt'~l'c \i';l:l, llc 'had a.

thousllllil liili'.lll:i‘s-iii-iclw.

Tho Limit.

.lonliic-I llcfll' :lilo [oil overl.loard

in hor lstr/-oi ciotllcs.

`.\liiiiiil-- \l-_-l, nliii sho was ni'N‘sge~l

for lli:.',;' in tho wiitcr in an ln- giicoiit uostlliilc.

A Discouragor. '

“_\Vlly tli_ii'i`t you \voi'k in your- 5"? ,iI"i\iilY» ._ -/" 'L">-7 ,, ‘I - 1:52-

i , ,~_ _gk 1 ~‘--f=- < - __

.-.if r; .;, tj > - . *~~ _

if TTN ’ A ' '

/ _ ` t

gurrioll iilld get :in z\ippctlte'."'

“'i`ili» i||lipu.ll‘.'iilcc of thc- _vcgctrilllezl

in my ,';:\rdi-il," l't~plic1i Mr. Cros»s.'ots, “i|i.<<:uuiii;;»,-:s :ill limictiio."-\’v'itsll-

_- iiigllill Stzir.

f, -_~ l ' Inconsistent Expectations. ‘ “it is at quccr thing about thcso - Gtrmuil h:ttil:‘.."

l "\\’li:it"_l qilovl' :lbotit llicm?"

"i“\‘oplc will tiltiu nil i°uliietlitn;:

‘lf

The eiocutlon iteaoher was in-

structing ri scholar who had insisted upon learning it long and rather Drosy piece. " `

"When you have finished the recl-

1Atioi1." said the teacher, “bow grace-

fully and leave the piu-tform on tip- oe." .

“On tiptoi-1?" asked -tllescholar. "Yes," answered the telic-her, "so

os notto -wake the audience."

Wife (Fwdlhg): “isn't this funny,' “Do You think

my dcur? Here is an article which says they have found a_ new species of birds in Australia which halve four legs. Now, whatever do you suppose they lvilnt four letw for!"

I-lusbllnll (yawning): “'i`llcy are

probably politiciilns, my love, und by this licuutiflil tlispcilsaltlon of _their Crentol- they llrc enabled to stlind on lioth sides of tho fonce :lt the some time." w ._

With it smile on ihis rubicund

features, the hotel manager was peacefully enjoying forty winks. Business was _lioomlngg thc place was fiill. Good!

Knocks on the door of his silnc-

ttim, however, brought him back to earth. iii staggered rt prrsplring vvaitrr. - '

"l’-p-p-ieilso, sir," he stzlmmcred,

“l'm in ai terrible fix. A gent has just oi'flerot_l roast mutton."

“Wcl|,_\vhnt_of it?" caimc tho ox-

llllp<».r=l,ti~d itnswiw. .'I‘hvl-c's plenty ot' lt, isii't tl'lcrc'1"

"Yrs, sir," liroiiillvil the tiislrncicd

knight of tho ll:ipkin_ “lint ho’s llii'caiil,v hliil oiw piirtlun as Willson."

_ A letir-r iil'olir,'llt hy the postmzln \v;i:~l tllillilrr llirln thc liliiky ollos lvllirh zi \s‘.rli_i:glin,t-; yoillii~‘.' lllithor lislliilly l~f-i>i~i\'i'-.~', ond lie tore it 'open t-:lu'rl'l_\' :liiii rooil:

"\'oiii' l~i>:'~-iii fzlvoi- st:itin;.: ll1:lt

_viiii i>li<'li\.~io m:iililf=l~i‘ipt uif story, v.'ilh silitlitls for rt-i\il'il li` not suit- :llill>_ ll:l.~‘ ill-vii iw-i‘i'l\'l-tl, Yoiil' ruli- iriiliiilon is :iccoiitc-rl."

“.‘.t li~iif;lll1" i~xt>lliillicil tho young

iiiiiltrir, ji»yfliil_\'. __

l-nt his lit-uri not-lncil to sink '.

his i»_vi:.< clili:.;lit lilo fiillolving:

“i'. S.: You iii-l.;lr‘ct<'\i io lriilrinx

.vi _

_‘\

1'

`i.

i i..\l .

the frientm

Wood. file

used to tell an

to .Mr. and

want. to engage

Christmas in my

fMr.

Wood asked. . _f

“Screamingiy funny,” returned the

manager. < . "Then why don't you laug'l'i'."“ asked Mr, Wood. `

“Liiu::h, when he's got his eyes on

me?" ‘rc-plied the manager. "And-' '

every smile moans tliitt hc'll ask an-~`. other fiver -zt week."

. .1

sauce on

_on the fifth skalf' '!n."-UR

Jim'e Trump Cord.

The village gossip; were discuuil j

prospects of prize-w-inning ct. the approaching flower show. One rather fancied that Bill Smith would do well, because Bill's brother-in-ll# was employed at tho Hall’ llu'denl;f Tom Brown seemed s. probable win- nor, too, having been essndn :tho

i

\

-._\\\_\ \ i

.> \_ ~.\ \_ '

so \ .

th" '“""“S""“"‘" t`o\llitl~_vlliull (lit the National (lnllel-y): “Why, t,hem’s the very slml

, _ ' ~- .- ' >,'. .day before yesterday!"

.»\ llu<'t<ir uns iittoililiniq' : rli\llff~i‘- |’l(‘“"" I `a“ hu” the ' ,

ous iwisu \\'llr-ri* it Ht-ottrll liil\l<-i~}iv;in -‘“'\-0|\““|\\ (‘h`-\'l.V): "QUH9 “koi-V"

“'l`llcn that clerk at tho hotel is an awful liar He told

ciittwlgi-il. till milling; lil tho fill-i-llviiiil "‘l\l\\\l'.\'|l"‘"l5 ‘ ' - llc sriill to i\'=iii\l.\'1' nic tllllt tho |\ict\li'l-‘it wlis 1-llllngotl tially in all the leadin’ picture houses!"

"i hoiic _viiur lli:istr‘l"e tc-lnpcl‘;li\ii'i»

is. llluvll ii»\\‘l-r lodzly illaill il \\':l.= izisli. iligrlli."

"l'm ilii' silo vera surc nlioui thot,"

rt-liiiorl thc hlltlcr, "for llc llcrll this lllol'llili`~"

A liighhlnrlci' \\'rls one day l>i‘0ugllt

before his chifrf, bclilg accused’ oi'

slicf-p stfnliiiz li_\_ Clinic beillg

fully pl'o\'r-,rl, llonlilt£i§UdS Eilcéiicilcctl to ho hzlillrrd. ln_ those ny; :t

'crlminail l\‘.ls .liluwotl to clloonr- ill" trocs on lvliicil ill; wus to hung.

lfliihlll' gviilltfzil to test thc t-I0ll(’l"

ours nlittire of his soil, so tis the lioy \\:l_< ;_-,iiin~,-; to c-llulw-ll one morning hc s:iiti:----

-‘llol-Q, lienny, is it sixlwnco and <1

ticllriy. You may put \vllll‘.he\'er you please ini tile. colltrlliutlon box." " "\\'llcil lil; rctlirni-d his fxltllel' ask- vll which coin lli,:`li;l4l given. l.\i-.nily rc-iiliiidz-~ '

"Well, p:i|i:i, it was this way. Tllc

|lrr-ilclli-i' suit! tho fioril loved :l cliecr-

<` .iiill I kilt-sv I coliiil give it

_

._..=_

..

L1: i

- / __ ,gc _ *__

. _- -» __ _» l ~.

. ` ,_ _ 1 i ' ,

.1 ' / I i

. ,_ ~~ . \ 7( _ .

...,. __ _ i

i _ _ l’.‘.A_’\_\ '_ __ _ _, __ i , .____ _ __ , _ , /,

\r" ,tn

\ Q2

`,`:.

1-;

_*_

itil- "f"-“- ~ ,rr _ .

*vi/H nf-. _ 1'-""1

, ,_.l‘ ,_ .` ,.. - ‘ » `._ ~ t

_;“hii<l.'__:ill<i' tha-ll o.\'pt-ct tilt-rrll to iimko sf* ,___ my j',.-_'_"*,._,'-j`__~-_,_ _ it _.

_r,oo(|. -l5ultiilioro .»\nlci‘icatll.

_.E-'-‘°~,j;;.-ff' '

' .

ThBy A||"Do lt.

`|!s\

loo---Is Gill it good juldge of .Ji _,-.__

.. . _ ,.y:\ , .-4. ..-» ..---

ii i':lg:ii's`.`

~,.l. ~l\lcii-»-I think hi: must br. llc had _ __ '.;'lv\'o i=lsi night :init lil: giive inc one. Sho: “Jai-k und I have ptlrti-,tl im' 1-vcr. _ 'ilu liilist liiivi- ki.-pt tilt' host ~.~n.:.-'- llc; “(|‘ootl gracious! \\liut llixos tl_lat l\icil|\`?’

Xollkrrs Stntcsilialil, Sh(-,; "lt lncuns that l'll got u l~l|ipl|lg hon oi' rllorolafcs from him ill

The Moclorn Agent, ll:ill~---\Vllllt all-c you doing now?

l Gzill-~t)il, l'm llnlltiill; il hiillslhto-

liolisi- c:iil\‘ll~¢s to :lsci-rtilln wily poo- plr <liill't \v:llll .to 'iili_\‘ n iiirw pntcllt cluillt-S wi'iil;.;l-r.» tfllirzigo .\'l‘\-vs.

» The Rebellion, Hosilenll. "i\iy ill-.ii', I .'=».-i- you :ire llilvlili;

i H some cioilics lniiilr for your poodio.'

~ ."Ycs `

`

; li in tllr l:lti.st ind." .

“\‘\'oll, l sl»r\'i- notivi- l'il.';Ilt licrr.

thot 1 iioll't llilttiiil :lily dogs down

If - . thc l\licki"-- -.liiilitsvillc t?ourier-

`/_

ll/

/

, §="

i \.

_ \ \` .

_ Q , ,

§

l_\t,.i

i

/ ‘ '

Jourlllll.

Forced to lt. '

She-Mr. Brown does not pay his

wifi' much lltiolltlon.

Ile--No; thc only ilnié. l c\'i~.l~

kllr-w oi’ his going out with ller walk once when thu gas ex1>iodt‘\l.--Plck- lite-l'1i. , /

_if Reminded Him. ` "A lnall ni-\'l‘l' loses anything by politcllcss," said the Uld l-`ogoy.

"l know li lot of men lvlni lie-vcr

tnionil to,” iiildod thc Gl'i=\lcli.-- Cincinnzlti l~int|tllri~i'. , _

f Worse Luck. '

i

»

.Mnggills---\Vlli\ts the nlnttcr with Brokenyv i-l.~. incite vi-on-l»»<l.

Gtlmginil-lie cnn't meet his lliiis. Muggins-~'l‘hat'»s llothiing. l cim't

‘dodge mine.--Springfield l.'nion. f - _._--._

i ‘ ,,, ~

Punceuring the Theory. `."fl1Jtlmo-ltiin estimated that the .obllege eduulitlon which coets $251 Q00 is worth $25,000 lator on. ' Peosimo-'But ln how many cases does the bother who invests the ",500 get the $22,500 profit?-Den- Nor. Rehublicnn. _

` 1' Careful Fethor. _' ,Young Harold was -inte ln attend-

nce for Sunday school and the pnlnister inquired the cause.

nhout all hour."

the odor iiiis .1 mini suazwition of c.,,ff,-.-_"---fgvi-l-yl>ody'g Melani'/,ine.

Slow and Sure.

'1`ll:\t llolv office U03' i~‘> SIUW and

stirs-_" :will tilc stocl<llrokcl‘.

"()h_ _viiil like him?" said his part-

k\‘|'.

",\'iii llluvh. }ic`s slotv to lcsirn illld

slire to forgot."

The Clue.

"_\i_v wlfo will know I drank too

ililioll lit thc hn.il|l\l0\-"

“v\f)\'_v, _von ure wlllking straight

cnougll.

“But lo-ik -.it tile rotten umbrella

l picks-d out"

Why Sho Biushed.

“’l‘liliL’s li nice-looking follow who‘s

just come ln," said the _voliniz miin 'lvllii walls dlnfrig with his l1t‘St Elri- "ls ili~ il firigild of yo\1rs'!"

"\'i»;»\_ indeed. I know him well."

liliigllt-'il tllr muiden'.

“Sllilll l ask him to join us?" _ "Uh, Gcnrgef!" snld ihe` girl, blush-

ing; "thin is so sudden."

“Sllddoll? Wlllit do you menu?"

he liskcil in surprise, _

"Wliy--why. that's.our young mln-

lstcr." '

.._.....

Tho \-’lcar's-Wlf‘e:, "l'm sorry .i0

see you're not paying into our coal .club this ye_lt!‘. Goodenough." ` Goodenougli: "Weli, mum, you sec --w¢ll,. its like this ‘t-re. I lives right. -be'ind .thc colli yard now."

. ' --.»--~'

`. It was at sho dinner-table, and the hostess addressed her husblll\d's brother - ~ .

"Do ilsvc another piece of plc.

William."

“Why, really, l'vo already 'hml

two; lint .t_:'s ee good, 1 believe l will have snot er."

. > - i "I wits going fishing. _but futher "Ha, hal .mothers ii winner," sold

`WA'Y A i A A In would not ict me," announced thc little Frank' excitedly. “She :mid

‘ f Minn wnnrs - ,. F . s

-` hors I Wlllt $0 IWC Wm 19'. lad. ‘ f) llo'd bet. you’d make u pig of ydtlr- 5” "’°'°" '°"°“m#¢ mv' ' ' ' ’ ’ " i °-'l‘liiii'a ine right iiiiia of s mlier ":el.¢." ~

m£\i¢'\=*v°°°**"‘“ - ~ . , -l i _ l ___,__A_______ _____g____,__ _,_,_________

Doll:-lid was illorcfore :inked to llzlinr tho trol! ot' his vlioico.

"t)icii, uit-ill" llc siiid, "silo lvoulil

like to iii: hung on al ;:roi~ltilit‘t tgooso- ll:-rl'_\') hush-" _

“But it l;ross:li't hush is not l\:il.'.

iilrugo enough for tiiiit," wus tho »l-i-- piy. » ~

"till, olcll," lillswcrotl Donald. "lint

.sllo's, in title hurry; shr'll just wnit til't grows."

A rdverrnd canon ot' the Angliciili

.Church relates thiil on one occasion it fell to ills lot to limrry his foot- mail to his cook, The fonimzln wo_uld`persist tllriiollt the se\"\/ire ill putting' his finger to'hls tbrolioliii e"t'ery_ time his innstor uddrrsscd hlill, in' liccorlhincv with ciistoril- 'filo ravi-.rontl gentleman rolilonstrnted in :in nndertone:-;

_ “Don't _touch your foroheiiid, John. Lint say t e wi>l~d_s after m ."_,,_ ‘ _e . ilrfud. “Wilt thou nike tY$is,w;l>`llr’i_aIii to' U5 thy wcddcd wli‘e"."' etc. " " "

Joi1n,,_iii':lrillg in mind the canon’s

ldill, rtlplicd, “After you. slr," iilld

fill .zivi-lp ' 1 pirilliy ;i uootl lit-nl more chi-crfiilll' tllnn I i-oliill prlvc si.\‘|»i.-lice. so I put the ptrlliiy iii."

No Ploasirig Him.

A good siiiry is irild oi' Provost

Hzilvkills. ilii oiii don of llriel Coi- lngig lixflirrl, who lvils ilevei' llflppy lillli'~i=;< he diuill t'infI smilie i'z\ilit to cl'ilii‘i:!il lil lilo linlit\r;.;i‘flilii.ltc:l who ciirllo in»l`oi'i- llinl. .iilloliir other tlliilgs, ilil: i'l-tzoril ni' trllapel lttien- iliiilvl- \v;is :ll\\':lys on l,<l.1\vkiil's lilhlo, rt-:tii_\' to iii- ri-i`t-i'i'o<l to for priiise ol' |,|,|m.»_ iiliv lilly lvllt-il ii siiillelli, \\'Ilii \\“ls iirl iirivl lllilli, \v.is‘ lu»i’oi'c hilll, this 1vro\'ii:li ciliisiiltwil till- ro-

rorll.

“I olisor\'i>, hir. l(ili::." s.li<l he.

“ili'it _vuii llilvi' ni-vol' lilis:<i~il .l siilttlc clripl-l. iniirilini: or i=vi~liiilu, dlirim: tho \vli|\ii» ii-rin."

iio iiziiist-fl, iliii iiistf.'id of :l \voi‘d

of priiisi>, lvlllcll lliluitt ri‘il.~‘oii-.il>l_v llnvc lieon 4‘X1ict‘i.cil. hc coiitlniit-tl.

sL>\'i\rol_\’:

"i must worn you. .\li‘. King, that

ovon trio l'i=-giilair Mit-ilrliince lit. chap- cl iniiy ilcgi-ni-roto into formalism."

Her Ago.

'l`lli- nnlitir-n lndy of uncertain ago

livciilllo very indignant when the cr-lislii.~\-tillu-l' liski-il her nge.

“llid _voll sol- till- girls next floor?"

slic iisl<<-‘d. "'i`hr liill twins?"

“L71-irtilillly," i'eplii=t1 (thc census-

mfili.

“.\iitl did they tell you their nigh?" ~l'<ls_" "\’i'oli," sho slulppeii, as she shut

lilo ililiir ill ills filcf-, “l'm just as old os ‘.ll<>\' lit‘i~."

"Oli, v<»i~_v wall," sold the census-

lilnll l-i liililsi-lf, lilld llc wrote down in ills liouk:

“Jline Jiillllsiiil-ils old as the

Hills."

Worse Still.

"_\lisli|'ii!" filinril tho fussy com-

mori-llll. ns ii foilow-l>i'i-zlltfilstol' en- tered tllr- coffco-room. “llon't know what tllliso lioir-is iirv comin' to. l'm sure; I`vc livoll hero the whole hlossw-rl .\v1>e.it, and 1-nn't get zinylllln' of at mornin' hilt ogirs-~i\ggs-eggs."

"lint ills-_\"re different eggs." ob-

served his romiiianlon, sadly tucking hits nnlikin lilldi-r his cllln. .

"Well, of course. they‘ro diffcrellt,"

annppr-il the flissl' commercial,

"’i`llon lil- tllluikfiil for at least that

consolation," replied the other, "and don't he too hnrd on hotels. I know it place, my frlonll, wllero l nm given a hot joint one lilly, renew its ac- quuiiltancc ill a stllte of frlgidlty on

llursery-garden districts of Cheshire at early mol-ning, ond Joe Ro'blnson_ was-notoriously friendly with a cer- tnln noted grower who was not show-i ing tilts year. f

When ali. or'nesrly al-l, had l.h\\|`.' -,

"spotted the winners." an anciilt

who had not yet, sp_qé;<¥;_q-,g_mn|-\;e_g;_.

"Yo’rt- nw ro'ng;` li, l'1s'6f.,t,l1em's got,

:i chance. Jim Jones is t' winner."

"Jim Jones;” “What’s 'e bln

doin'?" “We'n heard nowt aboawt 'inl." were tile derlsive responses.

"But ’e'll win for aw that," declared

tho :inch-nt, with conviction. and made as tho that was all -he 'had to say. Not until his prophecy wal fisitly denied did he ploy his trump card: “Jim's bowt 'is plants off t'

Judge." _ .

Describing Gout.

A well known clubman in till

smoking-room the other evening’ gave some of his fellow members I. pirttirvst'|lic description of the gout.

"You lic in hed," hs said, "with

tho guilty foot stretched out, and you ft-el ns tho the sole of it Wim pressed against the bars of a red- hot fire. In the middle of the fur- nace is a follow with a gun loaded to the muzzle with red-hot needles. Fi~r-qliontiy llo fires the gun at your foot, and you feel the red-hot needles tr;-i\~oi up your leg and come out at tho knee, not nil nt once, but like the :llllmals went into the Ark. two by two. \Vhen the isst coupli' of ncedlf-s have finished thé course you find _vollrself sweating with fear. nlltl wondering how long it will _b9 lwfore the follow tires the gun again. Presently you Gnd he -is under con- trllri. to tire it every tivo minutol. and _voll get ready for the discharge. Hut you can nover be said to get ncclislomod to lt, because the black- triilirli loilds it with a new kind of red-lint nel-filo every time, and solllotimi-s adds half-a-dozen rod.-

llot cork-screws. 'l‘hai's the gout."

Who woliid patronize gout after

tllalt'.’

, Sharper Than He Looked. 'l‘lie proprietor of ri menagcrie Q

sued it placard offering twenty pounds to llnyonc who would enter the cilgv of the limit 'l`0VI`l\.l‘d9'*\h¢

ond of thc prl'fol'mxincc amrtrglip wlilke-d ul- to tho lion-tamer , d silidz " "Sir, l lillve come to earn the twen- ty pounds." I < `

The niliiienco was horror-strixsitlt. The tumor replied, with a de _ vo

1-ulcer, "So vou want to go into the liull’s cligo?" ,_ vt _

"tif course." said the rustic. . “come on. then. i will overt* |.l(e trnp-door for you and you con_hto_|> _ in." , ;_',_~ Q' S "Weil, yes," answered the ` if.

tryman. turning to _the audience n. broad grin on his flee. "1 n _ - ing in, out the been will iiiivztii come out first. You know the ti per only nays anyone going into the clkb

shall have twenty pnundl.

, 1

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gi/ Lo- t~>*>.>

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A liAllll~>s‘ .un soclrfriz.

Y FEATURE SMART AND

xi

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