Fact & Opinion

by stephan nee

FACT: If you keep a Goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white. OPINION: If I was kept in a dark room with a goldfish, I would eventually get turned on.

FACT: Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

OPINION: A man needs to keep his eyes open in case he sees cleavage.

FACT: Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do. OPINION: Left handed people cannot use puppets because they are designed for right handed people, so really, what’s the point of them living at all?

FACT: The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

OPINION: Incontinence starts and ends with the letter P.

FACT: A snail can sleep for 3 years.

OPINION: Are they really sleeping? Or are they just playing dead in case a grizzly attacks?

FACT: American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.

OPINION: Millions of dollars could be saved if they eliminated stewardesses and replaced them with electronic “Funkbots” that serve food and breakdance during flights.

FACT: China has more English speakers than the United States. OPINION: University

Avenue has more Alpine Speakers than Switzerland. It also has a lot of Kenwood speakers.

FACT: Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million people? OPINION: I don’t share anything. What do you think I am? A freaking toothbrush?

FACT: David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader’s lines, and didn’t know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

OPINION: Rick Moranis was the guy in the Darth Helmet suit in Spaceballs, and he did his own lines, thanks to the schwartz.

FACT: Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonald’s.

OPINION: Ronald McDonald has been banned from Montpelier after an incident with an umbrella.

FACT: The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

OPINION: The cruise liner, Prince Charles, is more efficient because its gigantic ears operate as sails.

FACT: The first Ford cars had Dodge engines. OPINION: Do you remember in elementary school when the gym teacher would get everyone to stand in a circle for a good old fashioned game of

‘Dodge engine?

FACT: Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

OPINION: Leonardo Dicaprio is a hunk and he’s ahotty! Put thatin your _ pipe and smoke it, Mr. Da Vinci.

FACT: Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age. OPINION: In early childhood, development is sped up by inserting beer caps in the baby’s knees.

FACT: The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

OPINION: That’s why

..you'll probably run into other problems, if you try to have oral sex with a crocodile.

Puff Daddy called his song “Mo’ hammeds, Mo’ Problems.”

FACT: In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured. OPINION: The greatest fire I ever saw involved flatulence and a cigarette lighter.

FACT: One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers — they saw it as competition.

OPINION: Cotton growers also made prostitution illegal because they were tired of paying for sex.

FACT: Marijuana is not as chemically addictive as is

nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.

OPINION: I didn’t know nicotine was addictive. I thought tobacco companies wrote that on the package so you’d buy more than one.

FACT: Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. OPINION: So bang that fat guy’s head against a wall. Who the hell does he think he is, coming down your chimney every year and delivering presents?

FACT: On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

OPINION: “Arachnophobia” would still be scarier than death

| even if it had no spiders.

FACT: The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.

OPINION: If you get ina fight, lick your opponent with your strongest muscle until they submit. It works for Ken Shamrock and most Ultimate Fighting Champions.

FACT: It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. OPINION: How do you know you're really sneezing if you can’t see it? You can’t assume, when someone says “Bless you,”

_ that it means you just

sneezed. They could be performing an exorcism on you.

FACT: You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath. —

OPINION: Try to be more creative and kill yourself with a nice hot bowl of oatmeal.

FACT: Americans on average eat 18 acres of

24

pizza every day. OPINION: This land

originally belonged to the

natives, so it is not fair that Americans are eating it.

FACT: Every time you lic a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of acalorie. — OPINION: Stop licking m stamps and try a goddamn carrot, President Clinton.

FACT: A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. OPINION: You'll probably run into other problems, if you try to hav oral sex with a crocodile.

FACT: The ant always fal over on its right side when intoxicated.

~ OPINION: It falls over on

its left side when it gives “The People’s Elbow” during a | wrestling match.

FACT: Polar bears are ge handed.

OPINION: They u ipeit, right-hand to open bottles of Coke, and they use their left hand to throw the empty bottles at baby seals.

FACT: A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

OPINION: The bumper | sticker, “Give me head till —

I’m dead,” is actually

talking about cockroaches. Get your mind out of the gutter.

FACT: The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.

OPINION: Actually, the

“Give me head till ’'m — dead” bumper sticker is for the male praying mantis. | was just lying when I said it was for cockroaches. —

FIN