This Week: The Punisher

movies. Captain América has bombed twice, on and off

the big screen. Spiderman’s t.v. movies- notto mention the cartoons- were really awful. And who could forget (no matter how hard they try) the Incredible Hulk movies of the last few years, where Dr. Banner begs his enemies ‘‘Don’t get me angry... youwon’t like itwhenI’mangry...’’ just before he pops every button on his shirt and squishes all the bad guys? It’s amazing that Marvel can’t seem to do a decent picture, espe- cially when old number two (D.C., incase you were wondering) keeps churning out such hits as Superman and Batman. Could it be that number two tries harder?

ner Comics Companyihas never had much luck with

After watching The Punisher twice, that’s the impression I got. Marvel can’t make a decent superhero pic because they’ re not trying hard enough. The Punisher was released to theatres in Europe only, and went straight to video here and in the States. And that’s too bad, because if they’d done just alittle more work this violent junk classic could have become the second Rambo. For those of you not familiar with the Punisher, I have one question: Have you all been under arock? This guy is the second biggest gun (pun intended) in Marvel’s line-up, right behind Volverine. How could you walk past a comic shop without noticing the guy in the black tights with the huge skull on the hest who is carrying guns bigger than he is? Well, it doesn’t atter, because even Punisher’s most devoted fans aren’t going

0 recognize him in this movie.

he movie stars Dolph Lundgren (the bad guy from Universal Soldier) in the title role. Once upon a time he was Frank Castle,

ild- mannered, disturbed ‘Nam vet cop of Italian descent with t wife and kid. The Vietnam experience made Castle short ‘mpered, the Italian bloodline made him rabidly anti-mafia, tnd the cop bit made the mafia rabidly anti-Castle. So the mob lew up Frank’s family. Frank survived, got his hands ona lot fillegal heavy assault rifles, took up residence in a tasteful ction of the sewer, and began a one man war on the mobas... dramatic pause and music sting) THE PUNISHER!

ops! I just remembered that nobody’s supposed to know about lat at the beginning of the movie. Forget I said it.

‘te’s the plotline: The Punisher is really getting on the nerves f the local crime bosses. After he blows up amansion full of Nobsters they decide to get rid of him. But since they’re °mplete morons, they have to cooperate with a group of Female

Japanese Ninja Mobsters who’ve been taking over their terri- tory. But before youcan say ‘‘Double-Cross!”’ the F.J.N.M. start ‘to take over the Italian mob. They kidnap the mobsters’ kids and the mob enlists the Punisher to rescue them (huh?). The Pun- isher then teams up with the mob leader to blow up all the F.J.N.M. Boom, boom, rat-tat-tat, boom, slash. Fade out. The end.

Dolph has help from an Unemployed Alcoholic Street-dwelling Thespian (read:drunk, out-of-work homeless actor). This guy is a very informed source, and his overacted, melodramatic and pseudo-Shakespearean diction adds just one more ludicrous angle to an already absurd movie. And watch for the part where he follows a remote control trunk loaded with a forty-ouncer right to the feet of Mr. Punisherhead.

And hayeI mentioned those incredible action scenes? The ones where the Punisher shoots lots of people and destroys lots of property? No? They’re really funny because they were filmed in the comic book style. That means that when someone throws something, grenade, spiked ball, hamster, or whatever, it gets shown from three different angles as it flies: one as it leaves the thrower’s hand, two is a side view of the weapon in flight, and three shows the weapon lodged in some poor sap’s abdomen. Great fun. Then there are those overblown hand-to-hand combat scenes near the end where the Punisher fights against a ninja master while a lens filter makes everything turn shades of red. And let’s not forget the best scene of the movie: The Punisher and The Mobster versus A Zillion Billion Ninjas! Can you say ““perforate with extreme prejudice?’’ I knew youcould.

Dolph Lundgren is a really bad actor, though notas bad as Arnold was in the Conan movies. He looks really impressive dressed in leather and heavy weaponry, and he’s got that ‘‘look of death’’ (an imposing stare that is required of all action movie heroes regardless of sex, race, religion or shoe size) down pat. If he gets a few more movies like Universal Soldier and stops doing moronic (but fun!) stuff like this, he could very well become as successful as the Arnster.

Judgement: Good, clean, dumb fun for fans of guns, Lundgren, ninjas or stupid movies. The only people who might not like it are fans of the comics: this Punisher lives in the sewer, drives an American-made motorcycle, and does not have the white skull on his suit. They might get upset about how badly this movie butchers the original. Too bad about them. The rest of us B- movie devotees will have lots of fun. Next week: When Captain America hurls his mighty lunch... Hl