“What was that, Mr. Scott?”

(Embarrassed) “Uh, uh, Tickled, sir, ’'m just tickled to death to be able to work miracles for ye, sir.”

(Flat and unimpressed) “Why, thank you, Mr. Scott. In that case, I’ll see what else I can dig up for you.”

“Thank’ye, sir, and you have a good daycycle too,

sir {ComLink drops}

(Dippy Ensign Approaches) “Uh, Mr. Scott, sir, uh, gosh, uh, I just can’t get that magnetic resonance vacuum reservoir to work, sir.”

“Ensign, just wrap the transducer pile with a bit of Goron insulation, and accelerate the vacuum to three times the speed of light.”

“But, sir, I can’t do that, it’s not possible. I can’t change the laws of physics!”

“Tm well aware 0’ that, Mr. Jared, and I didn’a ask ye to change the laws of physics, och! I merely want ’em bent a little.”

(Dejected) “Aye sir.”

{Mr. Scott smiles with satisfaction and returns to his work. Fade to next scene}

- Lt. Commander Boane Crusher

Shampoo, Anyone?

After much reflection, I have come to the conclusion that if given the opportunity to re-live the events of that particular day, I wouldn’t change a single thing; except perhaps the outcome.

I entered the Confederation Court Mall approximately half an hour before the scheduled closing time. After browsing through Barbara Ann’s

Ladies Wear, the Kettle Creek Canvas Co., and the Book Mark, I knew the time was right. I headed toward Shoppers Drug Mart. I was a lady with a mission.

Upon entering the drug store, I concluded that my best option would be to draw as little attention to myself as possible. I glanced around to ensure that no-one was watching. The salesperson was busy waiting on a customer; the coast was clear! I darted up the aisle until I reached the cosmetics department. Then, I dug into my pocket and withdrew the most important ingredient in my scheme; the dreaded shopping list! This list consisted of four items I deemed necessary for the survival of my social life: lip-gloss, mascara, perfume, and shampoo.

It was at this time that I encountered my first real dilema. I was uncertain as to what colour lipgloss and mascara would best suit me. I needed to establish my skin tones. "Why not let an expert decide,” I thought to myself. Thus, I enlisted the aid of the Clarion Computer, located right next to me on my left.

We, the computer and myself, came to the conclusion that Clarion’s Waterproof Blue Mascara and Dusty Rose Lip-gloss would do wonders for my skin. I calmly gathered up the make-up and stuffed it into my purse, being cautious that I wasn’t being observed.

Next, I went in search of perfume. I wanted something different. After sampling half a dozen brands of perfume, I found the one I had been looking for. The label read Polo, cologne for men. Well, that’s certainly different! By this time I just smelled LOVELY! The scent of perfume was so strong that even I couldn’t stand the smell of myself! I picked up the smallest bottle of cologne I could find and placed it in my purse, right beside my make-up.

There was but one item left on my list; shampoo. This was going to be the most difficult item on the list. After all, it’s crucial that a person’s hair smell good. Why, I’ve known people’s entire social lives

The UPEI X-Press

October 18, 1990

Page 9