Page 3
Will Shatner for President? Will Kirk fit the ‘Bill’?
By GENE RODDENBERRY Laurier Sun
Classified documents leaked from the Prime Minister’s office have revealed that the Free Trade Agreement was created in order that the United States could an- nex a financially-ravaged Canada, opening the way for Canadian actor-philosopher William Shat- ner to run for the presidency of the combined United States of North America as early as 1992.
Under current, US legislation, the President must be born in the United States. When questioned on the matter, PM Brian Mul- roney was surprisingly candid.
“It’s all true, and there isn’t a damned thing all you cheap whin- ing punks can do about it, be- cause our (the Federal Progres- sive Conservatives’) term of office can run up to another three years, and you can be damned sure that we’re not leaving till we’re taken over by our fine friends to the South.”
In an interview with the Sun, PC all-around arrogant scumball John Crosbie echoed Mulroney’s comments. “Nyah, nyah, nyah!”, the eloquent minister said, be- fore adding a sexist slur which
is too vile and loathesome to re- peat here (the punchline is “The House That Dripped Blood,” so build from there.)
It appears that the Repub- lican Party, tired of President Bush’s wimpy broccoliphobic tit- terings, want a take-charge kind- of-guy, the sort of man who could turn the United States around. Plans to annex Aus- tria so that Arnold Scwarzeng- ger could run were put on hold when Scwarzengger said that he wouldn’t be President unless Lou Ferrigno could be his Vice.
And while Bill Shatner’s di- rectorial work on the latest Star Trek opus left “something to be desired,” according to Republi- can head weasel Lee Atwater, the “Captain Kirk persona is the sort of thing America needs to lead it into the 19th—er—21st century.”
Surprisingly, a Gallup poll of American voters released this week finds a huge groundswell of support for the ex-patriate Cana- dian who made his mark on pop- ular culture by baring his chest and saying such lines as “Let’s get the Hell out of here!” and “But for how long, Mr. Spock, for how long?” Seventy-three per cent of
The Germ
Monday, January 1, 0000
BILL SHATNER is already in training for-his hoped-for presidency of the United States. The US sent him to Lithuania yesterday, where only McCoy and Scotty kept him from duking it out with Gorby himself!
Americans said they would vote for the man who would be James Kirk. That figure goes up to 87 per cent if Shatner would promise to never again direct a film. When reached for com-
ment, Shatner was typically hum- ble. “With Leonard Nimoy as
Vice President,DeForrest Kelley as Secretary of State and James Doohan as Secretary of Defense, we’ll show those damned Romu- lans and Klingons-er, I mean, Japanese and Soviets— who really
is the boss in this arm of the * galaxy!” ; :
DeForrest Kelley wasn’t so sure, though. In an interview , he opined “Damn it, I’m a second- rate actor, not a Secretary of
_ State!”
McNugcget exiled to city sewer
by Dr. Zhivago and the Eggman
A well-known CBC legend was
recently reported missing, caus- ing much speculation as to his whereabouts. . Rusty McNugget, former self- ‘proclaimed “star” of the Friendly ‘Giant, has conspicuously drop- ped out of sight in the middle of his world tour, which has re- portedly lost over $12 million in the last year.
McNugget was last seen in the gutter of southbound Crowchild Trail in Calgary, driving his Fisher-Price mobile and heading for a sewer drain.
An unconfirmed rumor sug- gests that a group of local child- ren rushed over from a local playground to watch McNugget, who was stuck ina puddle. Apparently the kids were highly amused by the sight of McNugget
spiralling towards the drain, for none of them made any attempt to rescue him.
changed when ticket sales did not reach double digits.
Gerome G. Raff, one of McNug- get’s stars on the Friendly Giant, was not surprised when told that McNuggett had dropped out of sight with big bills to pay.
“Tve never seen anyone as cheap as he is,”\said Jerome. “When we were taping Giant episodes back in’72, Rusty lived a long way from the studio. But he was too cheap to take a cab — he always took that stupid Fisher-Price car — and | always had to buy him lunch — the little geek.”
The Friendly Giant, when asked to comment, said there is also a chance of fowl play. “He made an enemy of everyone he ever met,” said the Giant, sadly shaking his head. “They all want him dead — agents, musicians, celebrities, fans — all of them.”
In a 1989 interview with Play- boy, McNugget enraged music
RIAL
Y
Y
YU ry
Greeny a
\\= 4
an y 4
aA \| \
YA.
Kh wit FIM
<—
McNugget’s world tour had stopped in Calgary for ashow at the Forest Lawn Community Centre on March 23. He had originally been booked at the Saddledome, but the venue was
fans everywhere by suggesting that he taught Eddie Van Halen how to play guitar. When inter- viewer Biff Buff pointed out that Van Halen has always lived in California while McNugget re- sided in Ottawa, McNugget threw
Miffed McNugget slowly slides into special sauce of city sewer
a fit, punched Biff in the face, and stormed out, threatening to sue the magazine for all it was worth.
Two months later, in an inter-
view with Billboard magazine, McNugget expressed bewilder- ment over low ticket sales and
forced cancellation of the Japa-
nese and Australian legs of his
tour. “I'm a star, dammit,” he complained bitterly. “I don’t think $45 a ticket is too much to see the best damn harp player in the world — me!”
Le ASR SK SARS «aot MRE OTETE E FA ARRE ERNESERE R Ta