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FACT & OPINION

by Stephan MacLeod

FACT: Blue and white are the most common school colors.

OPINION: Schools are great places to learn about all sorts of shit.

FACT: Swimming pools in Phoenix, Arizona, pick up 20 pounds of dust.a year. OPINION: Licking the dust offaswimming pool is one way to get a girl’s atten- tion, but Mom insists that’s not how she met Dad.

FACT: The first message tapped by Samuel Morse over his invention the telegraph was: “What hath God wrought?”

OPINION: God answered back, “Don’t call me at this time, I’m busy killing people.” And then he

named a code after Samuel Morse. He called

it the code of the streets.

FACT: The three words in the English language with the letters uu are: vacuum, residuum and continuum. OPINION: The three words in the English language with the letters uck are: muck, stuck, and duck.

FACT: In anormal lifetime, an American will eat 200 pounds of peanuts and 10 000 pounds of meat. OPINION: A Canadian would eat the hind legs of the Lamb of God if they served it at Tim Horton’s.

FACT: A new book is published every 13 min- utes in America.

OPINION: Can America’s bathrooms keep up?

FACT: America’s best selling ice-cream flavour is vanilla.

OPINION: America’s worst selling ice-cream flavour is

_ Gravy.

FACT: Americans eat 18 billion hot dogs a year. OPINION: A lot of innocent babies are killed every year to fill the demand for hot dogs in America.

FACT: Americans eat 134 pounds of sugar a year. OPINION: If they didn’t portion sugar out in little packets, Americans would eat all 134 pounds at once.

FACT: Every year the sun loses 360 million tons.

OPINION: This weight loss is thanks to Richard Simmons’ Sweating to the Oldies videos.

FACT: Because of Animal Crackers, many kids until they reach the age of ten, believe the bear is as tall as a giraffe.

OPINION: Because of Mr. Dressup, I spent most of my childhood thinking

dogs lived in tree houses.

FACT: You can tell ifa skunk is around if you smell only .000 000 000 000 071 ounce of its spray.

OPINION: The same is true of Phish fans.

FACT: Animal breeders in

Russia once claimed to have bred sheep with blue wool.

OPINION: The difference between animal breeders in Russia and animal breeders on PEI is that the Russians make sheep with blue wool, and Islanders make sheep with blond hair.

FACT: A dog in East Africa says “woo-woo”. A dog in Bangkok says “bahk- bahk”. A dog in Japan says “wan-wan’’. A dog in Russia says “gahf-gahft’”’. OPINION: A dog in Long Beach says, “Beotch.”

FACT: A cow in Thailand says “oo-ah”

OPINION: I think I’ve said enough animal sex jokes.

All I need to do is write, ‘Farmers in Thailand...”

and you’ Il get the picture.

FAGT: A cat in Japan says “neow.” A cat in Thailand

says “mao.”

OPINION: When the cameras aren’t rolling, the cat on Sabrina the Teen- age Witch says some pretty nasty things about the other actors on the

show.

FACT: A rooster in Ger- many says “ay-ee-ache- ache”

OPINION: The English translation is, “ay-ee- ache-ache”

FACT: A pig in Japan says “moo-moo”.

OPINION: A cow in Japan says “You have the right to

remain silent.”

FACT: Penguins are the only birds that can leap into the air like porpoises. OPINION: A fier thinking — long and hard about - different types of penguin jokes, this is the best I can do: Penguins aren’t birds. They're midgets. Skip this one and keep reading.

~ FACT: India has 50 million

monkeys.

OPINION: If the movie Dunstin Checks In had that many monkeys there’s no way it would have been snubbed by the Academy Awards.

FACT: Americans spend around $3 billion for cat

and dog food a year. OPINION: Dogs may be

“man’s best friend” but in the long run prostitutes are a lot cheaper and sexier.

FACT: Pigs can cover a mile in 7.5 minutes when running at top speed. OPINION: If you’re ever chased by a pig for untwirling its tail, the important thing to remem- ber is don’t untwirl a pig’s tail.

FACT: : You breathe about 10 million times a year. OPINION: Do us all a favor

and use a goddamn mint.

FACT: The colder the room you sleep in, the better the chances are that you’ ll have a bad dream. OPINION: If you keep ice cream bars in your

pajamas you'll dream about sleeping ina freezer. -

FACT: The most common time for a wake up call is Jam. ' OPINION: | think my new invention, the time to go to bed call, will catch on soon.

FACT: Lee Harvey Oswald was booked with mugshot number 54018.

OPINION: Lee Harvey Oswald got shot after he was arested. Puff Daddy’ still alive. Fuck.

FACT: The Gulf Stream could carry amessage in a bottle at an average of 4 miles per hour.

OPINION: The Kevin Costner movie, Message

in a Bottle, is even slower.

FACT: The bullseye ona dartboard must be 5 feet 8 inches off the ground. OPINION: Finding people tall enough to hold the dartboard is difficult at an elementary school.

FACT: The foot is the most common body part bitten by insects.

OPINION: The ear is the

most common body part bitten by Mike Tyson.

FACT: The doorbell was invented in 1831. OPINION: Knock Knock! Who’s there? The guy who invented the doorbell. The guy who invented the door bell who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

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