NovemsBer 15, 2005

THE CADRE @ 5

Rob Walker Copy Editor

There seem to be a fair number of people writing editorials and letters lately, mostly with valid issues that should be addressed around campus. However, very few of them have been suggesting useful solutions, so I’m going to try to make this University better, one column ata time.

Problem:

To the driver of the red ford escort who blew through the red lights between browns court and the university: I hate you. And not in the ‘Oh man you’re an asshole and nearly ran me over’ kind of way either. Oh no. This is the kind of hate that makes me wish that your car hits a small pebble, spins out and bursts into flames right in front of the restaurant window where your wife and two small children are eating dinner. —

It’s the kind of smoldering,

passionate hate that in the past would |

have fueled a hundred year-long war between nations. In other words, it really pissed me off. What the hell is wrong with these people anyway? You’re driving a car that weighs what, around a 1,000 pounds or more? At 60-70 km/h? Do you have any idea what that would do to another car if you hit it, let alone a human being? At my spot in Browns I can see pretty much the entire ave., and every week I’m amazed that no one’s been hit yet.

Especially me.

Solution:

Speed-trap video traffic ticket system rigged to a series of road spikes that instantly pop up when a car goes through the red or is going faster than

Right Here and Now

the limit. But seriously, how about a pedestrian overpass going over the Ave? Then drunk people can get their revenge by dropping bottles on any cars that fly through the intersection.

Problem:

The cafeteria has closed their doors early on a couple of occasions for ‘private functions’, the latest which was this last Friday night at 5:30pm. You might have noticed this because half the population of residence was at Subway by 7.

[have an issue with this entire situation. However, I do want to say that I really like the cafeteria and its staff, and this has nothing to do with them. They’re great people and they work hard for us. But here’s the thing: we pay a buttload of money to eat at the cafeteria. Many of us pay around $100 a week for the right to eat as much food as we want, from 7am until 10pm at night.

However, for the second time (that I’m aware of), they’ve closed the cafeteria down much earlier than normal, with no alternative means of getting food. And even though I’m going to sound like a bit of a jerk, someone has to say it: I don’t give a shit about these private functions. I really, really don’t. Do I get a cut of however much they’re charging per plate for these fancy affairs? Hell no. All I know is that I don’t get to eat between 5:30 and 10, a time where I normally grab at least two large meals.

Solution: Let us make a sandwich or two to take out of the caf. I know it’s

“against company policy” to take food out, but part of that agreement was that you be open during your set times. Not closed, so that people who don’t live here can eat better food than we usually have. Actually, that’s another solution right there: why not let us eat their food? We won’t make a fuss or anything, we’ ll even dress up real nice and politely applaud whenever someone says something with a lot of big words.

Problem:

The resnet connection is way too slow! You’ re all using Limewire and Kazaa. Good lord, do yourselves a favor right now and quit using Kazaa, that place is a wretched hive of scum and villainy. It’s basically only a good place to go these days if you feel like getting a really great virus and fucking your computer to the nines.

I’m going to preface my helpful tip with this: I’m not going to help you with your computer problems. So don’t ask me if I can help you set up Limewire or bit torrent the next time you see me getting a bite to eat, you can Google how to do that just as easily as I can. I realize that even by putting a bit of computer info in here I open myself up to being hassled for help all year, but ’ma man of sacrifice and integrity, and that’s the kind of thing I do.

Solution:

' Stop using Kazaa! Seriously, again, stop using this piece of trash. At least switch to Limewire, it’s only filled with a million viruses instead of a bajillion.

The reason your connection is going slowly is mainly because

everyone is leaving Limewire open and random internet jerks are downloading files off of everyone’s computers. Open whatever downloading software you use. Look under the file or tools tab up top then options/settings and look for sharing. Remove the folders that are set up to share. Or you could drop the number of uploads down to zero.

Either one of these should help a lot, especially if everyone does it. It’s really not hard, it may not be exactly like I described depending on what version of what software you’ re using, but just poke around a bit, you’re looking to disable anything related to uploading or sharing.

How do you like your Cadre? Like the new look? Did something piss you off? Want to see more of ...? Bored out of your mind?

Then email us!

upeicadre@gmail.com