March 25, 1997

@° The Panther Prints

Finally, the subject of a bill being passed in the U.S. concerning the availability re- striction of cyberporn on the information highway has, thankfully comeup, thus hope- fully eventually rendering it virtually impossible for the in- “nocent youth of North America to gain any access to this preposterous playboy play- ground. Do they have a tiddly- winks web page? That would kick extreme proportions of ass. They’d have like stats on the best tiddly-winks matches of all time; and'like tips on how to do tiddly-winks, and stuff, and like tiddly-winks hall of famers. That would be like so cool. Well, actually, I just like saying tiddly-winks. Ha! Look at that word. Man that’s awe- some.

You know what sucks ass though, is that like Tim Horton’s commercial with the like, life story of some old lady.

amted vhs

Cyberporn

Oh, sorry. For some reason I’m just not always intrigued by the frequency that some senior citizen drinks her cof- fee. I eat some toast every morning, why doesn’t some idiot like make some useless commercial out of that? What would kick though, is if they had like a Tim Horton’s com- mercial with like some hungover guy who had to like come in every morning to like get his coffee. Then he’d like stumble over to the counter on the commercial, and like spill it all over the place, and then the waitresses would just like shake their heads, and smile their usual pitying smile. Then he’d like run to the bathroom and like barf, and stuff. Oh, yeah. Those coffees would be selling like hot cakes with that advertisement. :

But ifyou ever like want the person you’re going out with to like, Sees

availability

....odd MacLean

just like go to Tim Horton’s and then like get like one of those big bowtie doughnuts. Then just eat it. Without nap- kins, of course. And then after you’re done, you then bask in the warm glow of singleness, after they’ve like already left you in pure disgust when you weren't even like half finished of the wonderful mountainous whipped cream and chocolate mask of delight. Either that or like go to Subway, and just like get a footlong meatball with like everything on it. Even oil. This usually revolts the person you’re with quite easily, and effectively. Yes, I believe, actually, that it’s a proven fact that dates to any Subway es- tablishment have like a 40% chance of breakup rate. It’s true. Very true indeed. Oh well. What can ye do. At least weall still have tiddly-winks to us happy. Tiddly-winks, ly-winks, tiddly-winks.

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es the road to the Final Four By FINLEY MARTIN |

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The Five Year Plan was busy with two playoff games last week. The first game was versus the Corduroy Warriors. Geoff Smith lit up from downtown in the first half giving the team a significant lead. That lead was chipped away in the second half due to the'efforts of Kylie Gavard and Josh Weele but the FYP wave was too much for the Warriors.

The second gam are took place last Tuesday night against Alumni. The game,) suitably titled “Clash of the Titans”, featured the amazing ‘battle between Rick Millard and Duncan Shaw. Millard kept $haw in check while the FYP used their speed and agility to overcome Alumni in a clear victory.

The Five Year Plan is getting into spring by letting you in on some very usefull spring cleaning tips. All of these tips have been personally tested by a team member at the FYP Cultural Centre and have had glowing results. Here are just some of their favorites.

1) Open all the 'windows. It won’t actually do anything but it impresses the hell out of everyone who might happen to drop in. More effective if you use the line “Oh! The Windows! _ I was just airing out the place before I start spring cleaning!”

2) The green fuzzy stuff at the back of the fridge should stay there until it sickens someone else enough to remove it.

3) Don’t volunteer to do the dishes because that would just be stupid.

4) Take the beer bottles to the bottle bsichiage: On the way home get more beer.

5) Pile as much junk into the closet in your room._as humanly possible. Throw a couple of air fresheners in there and let it sit there for a couple of months.

6) Do not, under any cicumstances, clean under the seat cushions of the couch. What you don’t know is there can’t hurt you.

If you have any more usefull spring cleaning tips email them to the Five Year Plan at fanmail@peionline.com They guarantee to respond to each and every letter (Just like Santa Claus). You can also check out their website at http:\\www.peionline.com\fyp.

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