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By Lori Anne Heckbert

Have you got job inter- views coming up? Boy, is this column for you! In a phrase this is Lifestyles’ guide to the one hundred and one ways to

, utterly screw an interview.

Now, this information really is timely, almost as timely as last week’s review of Beverly Hills Cop. Boy, my timing wassuperlative on that one, if I do say-so myself.

Here’s some of the choice excerpts from some past interviews:

1) When asked how one speciﬁc friend would describe you, NEVER say “unpredict- able”. Big goof.

2) For heaven’s sake, if you do say something as ludi- crous as that, DON’T try to cover it up with this lame one: “Well, gee whiz, I’d say I’m pretty conservative (lies, all lies), so when I feel like doing something on the spur of the moment, I do it.” Wouldn’t wash with an idiot.

29) When asked how one specific region of the country measures up to the other regions, NEVER say “Well, hum, gosh golly, hum, it’s different.” STOP — say what? “Oh, don’t take it that I mean it’s backward ...” — right here you sort of trail off. Honestly, if you don’t mean “backward”, don’t say “backward”, it should be as simple as that.

46) DON’T sit outside in your cold space shuttle, telling yourself not to let them know what you’re really like, and then go in and abandon caution to the four winds. Learn to lie to your benefit —— that’s always been my trouble, I’m brutally honest, and it kills me. My excuse? I had ice on the braina, and a block of pressed sawdust where my tongue should- have been.

63) When they ask you where you would like to go if you could go abroad, DON’T say “Spain, of course.” — once again, say what? I swear, it’s like I’m sitting outside my body, chuckling at the unadulterated ass I’m making of myself.

Give them credit though, they threw me a lifeline right about here. Of course, I was obtuse, and vowed to swim for shore on my own, all twelve million miles of ocean.

You wanna hear my next brilliant statement? Now, you have to imagine that his is coming out at breakneck

\ endearing,

suppose everyone should, but I want to go to Spain.” (beat — I might as well have tacked on ‘so there’) STOP.

See, what was happening is that my speech was coming out in little blobs, sort of like a telegram, or —-— why, here’s a better analogy: like every so often I let off the Pause button on the tape recorder that I’ve prepared for this very special occasion, and then depress the button again.

88) DON’T put the inter- viewer on the defensive. When they ask “IN HEAVEN’S ’ NAME, WHY??”, don’t say, “I ﬁnd their music fascinating; don’t you?” in an accusatory tone of voice — or any tone for

. that matter. Don’t asked the

damned question at all; keep in mind that you’re there to answer, not ask.

101) Hey, where did the time fly? Remember, I did say the choicest excerpts. If you’ve got a good vocabulary use it. Say you’re infectious, I absolutely adorable — these things are all true, so why did I say unpredictable? Impulse, of course. STOP. Besides, impossible as it seems it’s truer even than those other adjectives — gasp — Oh, that’s a little hard to swallow, isn’t it?

Go on with you, now. This column is a gas, I hope you get some chuckles reading it.

Take care. We’ll see you next week.

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