they walked, and fought so well they could cut aman in half while shaving. So, if the Japanese were to make a martial arts film, it would accurately portray the samurai, correct?

Wrongooo, bwana. There’s only two samurai movies I know of, and Shogun is too boring forme. The other, Shogun Assassin, is so badly made that Zac Campbell Productions couldn’t do worse. And it’s based on the comic book Lone Wolf and Cub, just in case you wanted to know.

(Sung to the tune of the Brady Bunch theme.) Here’s the story, of a man named Lone Wolf; Who was working for the Shogun in Japan He was a fearsome warrior, with a Ginsu sword,

He’s his own biggest fan.

And it’s the story, of his lovely wifey; And his cute little three year old son Who studied samurai, like his father

Presumably for fun.

Until the one day that Lone wolf pissed off the Shogun, And the Shogun bumped off Lone Wolf's wife And Lone Wolf, who was into clichés Swore that he would take the Shogun’s life.

Lone Wolf and Cub, ; Lone Wolf and Cub, Slashing up feudal Japan just for fun.

And that’s about it in terms of premise. As anyone who’s read the comic book knows, Lone wolf spends the rest of his life, and this movie, pushing his son around in a heavily customized crib and killing the zillion billion ninjas that the Shogun sends after him. No real need to tell the rest of the story in detail; suffice it to say there’s buckets of blood and hippo-loads of flying body parts. Horror movie fans will love it.

Now, I understand that Japanese cin- ema isa little different from ours, but that’s not an excuse for this movie’s asininity. Apart from the obvious lack of a plot, there’s the matter of the fight sequences. Lone Wolf decapitates, de- limbs and yes, even de-torsos hundreds of peo- ple in this movie, presumably because he’s the best samurai ever. But the ease with which his cuts people in half makes this film look like a two hour advertisement for Ginsu World Class. Even worse are the blood effects. The smallest nick or scrape spurts blood three feet into the air. You could say Lone Wolf is painting the town red, but you’d be wrong. Due to a massive error in the color processing, all the blood in this

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movie is a cheery florescent orange. At best, j looks like vomit. At worst, it looks like they’: bleeding liquid Cheetos.

Oh, and discophobics might well wis to skip this one, since the soundtrack n. ‘ght well have been a tribute to the Village Peop|

Stuff To Watch For: Look for the guy the gate to be split in half; the unintentional| hilarious scene of nudity and the kid’s reactio to it; the customized baby cart with its clever hidden blades; and the final fight scene with th Lords of Death (Cliché Alert! Cliché Alert!),

Favourite Quote: ‘‘It is said, that whe aman’s throat is cut, a sound can heard like t sound of winter winds whispering. I have oft wanted to hear that sound. But to hear it, comin from my own throat, is, ridiculous... augh... Or something like that.

Judgement: If you like gore, disme berment, minimalist plot, rotten fight scene lousy dialogue, awful music, and boredom | large quantities, you’ll find a lot to like abo this movie. Not for most tastes, and while Iha to sound snobbish, not to mine.

Next Time (you will notice I’ ve dropp¢ any pretense of being weekly): I don’t know. |

surprise you. @

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