. APRIL. 1970

CHARLOITETOWN, P. E“. l.

., v-.. 5

THE- PLAGUE.

5277 . By Mike McGaughey

As the scholastic year of 1969-1970 draws to a close at the UPEI Campus the time approaches for all concerned to be rewarded for. their year of activ- ity (or inactivity). With this thought in mind I can imagine you all waiting with bated breath and in hushed and nervous expectation — so rather than prolong theagony and deprivation I shall proceed to the task at hand. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, here for the first time in the history of mankind and, of even less importance, of UPEI, are the long awaited but somewhat dubious first annual PLAGUE awards As is the case with all hallowedl and coveted awards, these cherished distinctions are being bestowed for some outstanding or pronounced effect (in this case our University) or some other equally notorious or meritorious deed to which we have been exposed, subjected, or have endured over the past eight months.

These awards are divided into two categories, with the distinction being between the newspaper awards and the awards for miscellaneous activities. So without any further ado we’ll get right down to the bare facts! The first envelope if you please. . .

WELL . . .WOULD YOU BELIEVE -— THE’NEWSPAPER AWARDS?

Actually the choosing of winners in this cate- ' gory was the most difficult and demanding task of all since, with one exception, flashes of brilliancy in journalism are few and “far between to say the least. However all anyone can do is his best/ worst. Take your pick.

Well, here it is! Yes, the one you’ve all been waiting for. The pick for “the best article for any and all categories” namely, “THE BEST ARTICLE OF THE YEAR” award goes to Kevin MacAulay for his reknowned, somewhat gross, always funny, ' but pathetically true letter to ‘DEAR JACK’. This was the easiest one of all to pick as it was by far the best article to appear between the sheets of our alledged newspaper,“ and as such it was chosen by a resounding, landslide victory.

, Ori the other side of the coin we come to award- ing the dubious distinction for the article judged to be the most ridiculous of all printed in the Cadre for the year 1969-1970. Accordingly the “MOST RIDICULOUS ARTICLE OF THE YEAR AWAR ” goes to Stephen Foster for his profound, but twisted thoughts on Remembrance Day in the infamous ar- ticle “Remember What?”

For the important role it played in teaching us

the fundamental sociological implications and cul-

McGAUGHEY AND FRIENDS —— 10 YEARS FROM NOW-1

tural origins 'of the game of football the “BEST SPORTS STO‘RY/ FICTION” award goes: to the fam-

. “Football and Freudi-ans”.

To Martin Kenny goes the “JANITORIAL MER- IT AWARD” for his unending efforts to keep the newspaper office from looking like the aftermath of a nuclear catastrophe against the constantly pres- ent, overwhelming threat of Jim Homby (neé Beararse).

Due to a lack of suitable candidates, the “Editor of The Year” award will not be bestowed this year. —But, alas, we now get more dubious as we get down to the dastardly dubious donations. Ladies and Gentlemen, the PLAGUE ACADEMY presents-

THE MISCELLANEOUS AWARDS or

YOU’D BETTER BELIEVE ’ IT

The “BULLSHIT AWARD” for 1969-1970 goes to the one and only “INDOCTRINATION COMMIT- TEE” (alias ‘Education’ Committee) for, among other things, professing to represent the views held by the entire UPEI student body as they presented their ideas, propaganda, and indoctrinating litera- ture to various Grade 12 students during the High School Visitations by the Island High Schools, Af~ ter all, in the words of one of their leading person- alities, “The students of UPEI must agree with us. Otherwise they would come to our meetings, join the committee and change or replace our policies with their own.”

He just didn’t seem to realize that many peo- ple simply did not desire to be assotiated (sic) With this Committee.

The fantastic “HERO OF THE YEAR AWARD (3rd. degree)” goes to our beloved university presi- dent R. J. Baker for his selfless courage, fortitude, and unselfish and tireless exertions on behalf of each and every UPEI student as he ardently and violently opposed fee increases and courageously stood up to the overwhelming force of both Gov- ernment and Board of Governors.

For the first time since its recent inception it is the PLAGUE AWARDS BOARD privilege to an-

nounce a double award to a solitary person, the "

awards for “BEST ACTOR” and “BEST PERFOR- MANCE BY AN AMATEUR” both go to ex-SU President John Keaveny for-his unforgetable per- formances in his famed role of “The Dictator” in SU‘ Council meetings.

For their heroic efforts to satisfy and appease

the relentless gluttonous tendancies of unsatiable Malpeque Campus resident students, the “GALLOP— ING GOURMET AWARD” for erotic endeavors in cuisine is awarded to Jack McGill and his valiant Saga staff.

The “ATHLETIC COMEBACK OF THE YEAR”

A award is given to the Sophomore Buzzer ‘A’ hockey

team who emerged from utter oblivions and the de- prayed depths of fourth place to defeat a tough J unlors team 4-3 in the crucial and deciding cham- pionship game. '

The award for the “TOUGHEST THREAT OF THE YEAR” goes to our tireless SU secretary for her remarks to the effect that “she wasnot going to spoil the new SU Executive” with her reknowned

cusineary skills (especially in the art of chocolate cookie baking). '

After due and) deliberate consideration, the award for “CAPITALIST OF THE YEAR” was de- clared a draw. Therefore the honor will be jointly shared by Reg Phalen and Dennis MacKay for their endeavors to preserve free enterprise and freedom in gneral as well as for their violent opposition to

further governmental oppression towards the indiVi- dual.

The “RETROACTIVE RETR O S P E C T IV E AWARD” for disagreeing with nearly everythin that went on within the newspaper including i - content, policies, coverage, etc. and for the supre -: high treasonary political crime of openly daring . oppose organizations and views held sacred by th Editors of the paper (such as brazenly utterin anti-leftist, anti-Education Committee sentiments) goes to one M. McGaughey for his rebellious at tude on the newspaper staff.

A NOTE 0F CAUTION

There is no need to be alarmed by the ill-form reports of a wild motorcycle gang garbed in my blue jackets with a black and gold crest depicting a. milk mug with the inscription “4th. MAIN, UPEI 72” who are allegedly running amok on the Mal

. peque Campus. At the risk of his life, this reporte.

investigated this report and found these marauder to be, not a rampaging motorcycle gang, but i stead are the residents of the fourth floor of th Main Building of the UPEI Malpeque Campus. De pite the wild rumors reaching us these 20 or ': jacketed adventurers were found to be essentiall harmless beneath their harsh exteriors and are a -. lieved to pose only a minimum threat to their 0 ' : existence. ‘ LA FIN .................. ..

-—Liberation New. S - .