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FACT & OPINION

FACT: People didn’t always say “hello” when they answered the phone. When the first regular phone service was estab- lished in 1878, people said “Ahoy.”

OPINION: Answering machines are becoming so popular nowadays that soon we won’t even have to call each other. Just get the answering machine to do it. While our robots gab on the phone, we can use this extra time to practice shooting “intrud- ers” with guns that shoot spoons instead of bullets.

FACT: The longest word in

_ the English language is “

pneumonoultramicroscopic silicovolcanoconiosis,” which is a lung disease caused by breathing in volcanic particles. OPINION: I’m not sure what’s worse: breathing in volcanic particles, or sneezing hot coffee out

- your nose.

FACT: A kangaroo can jump up to thirty feet. OPINION: If a kangaroo had wings it wouldn’t bump its ass every time it jumps.

FACT: If you stretched out your intestines, they’d be about twenty-five feet long.

OPINION: It is important to stretch your intestines before exercising.

FACT: The fourth funnel on the Titanic was built for show. It was thought

that the more funnels a ship had, the faster it would go.

OPINION: I attached a bunch of funnels to my car, but it still won’t help me catch that damn Roadrunner.

by Stephan MacLeod

FACT: The dye in red Jell- O is proven to make people energetic. So why do they serve that color most in school cafeterias? OPINION: Because the white dye in the milk they serve at cafeterias makes children sleepy.

FACT: It takes 15 hours and 55 minutes to fly from Chicago to Hong Kong on a standard aircraft. OPINION: It only takes 15 minutes on an aircraft with a bunch of funnels.

FACT: Between 1902 and 1907 the same tiger killed 436 people in India. OPINION: Winnie the Pooh started Tigger’s murder spree when he hired him to kill Christopher Robin.

FACT: The largest working gun is 141 feet long and 1,481.5 tons. It has a crew of 1,500.

OPINION: It’s pretty effective in armed robber- ies, but it sucks to reload.

FACT: The youngest col- lege graduate was 10 years and 4 months old. He entered college at the age of 6 and graduated with a BA in anthropology. OPINION: The only reason I didn’t graduate when I was 10 is because I spent most of my time trying to save the princess in Super Mario Brothers.

FACT: The youngest person with a doctorate is 12

years old.

OPINION: Most people with doctorates have bed wetting problems.

FACT: The largest mass tomb holds 189,000

soldiers.

OPINION: Anybody who could pack 189,000 soldiers in a tomb could probably do a bang up job packing a suitcase.

FACT: The longest name is: Rhoshandiatellynesh iaunneveshenk Koyaanisquatsiuth Williams. The girl was born in Texas and the name is supposed to have a mixture of her mother’s best moments.

OPINION: If] tried putting my best moments in the name of my child, I would end up naming the kid “Naked Treeclimbing.”

FACT: The poorest country is Mozambique (70 US dollars per capita) OPINION: Mozambique needs mo’ money and less crack whores.

FACT: The longest union name is: The international association of marble, slate and stone polishers, rubbers and sawyers, tile and marble setters’ help- ers and marble, mosaic and terrazzo workers of Washington D.C. (or IAMSSPRSTMS HMMTWH for short) OPINION: Their bumper sticker fits on two cars.

FACT: The #1 cause of

death in fruit flies is consti- _

pation. OPINION: The #1 cause of death for killer bees is

playfights.

FACT: For every 2 cups of water you drink it takes 4 cups to wash. ~

OPINION: For every 2 cups of dishwashing liquid you drink it takes 4 years off your life.

FACT: The Bible is the most shoplifted / stolen book in America.

OPINION: Jeff

Foxworthy’s book is the least shoplifted/read book in America.

FACT: The average lifespan for a person in Sierra, Africa is 41 years. OPINION: The average age of MAPUS students in Sierra is 12.

FACT: One of the most feared snakes is a Mamba. Even those who own king

cobras, pit vipers, and

_anacondas won’t

go near these things.

OPINION: Mamba #5 is

even scarier.

FACT: There are only 48 natural skin tones. OPINION: It’s silly to judge someone by their skin tone because underneath

we’re all just goo and slime.

FACT: Eskimos use refrig- erators to defrost food. OPINION: They use their ovens to bake Eskimo Pies.

FACT: A man in Wisconsin has the name Xerxes (zer- seas). His son’s name is Zzyzzx (ziz-icks). OPINION: What ever happened to traditional

names like Jim, Bill, or

- Zoltan

the Great?

FACT: There are more cows in Vermont than ple. I like those odds.

FACT: Did you know that

birds are hotter than

humans? A human being’s normal temperature is 37 degrees C. A duck has a tempera- ture of 42.8 degrees C, a heron, 41 degrees C, sparrows

41.6 degrees C, and thrushes go up to 45

>

degreesC! - OPINION: I once saw a humming bird get so hot that it burst into flames.

FACT: A hawk can spot an insect as small as a cricket from 30 metres in the

air. OPINION: Y ct they always manage to shit directly over my car.

FAGT: A hawk’s eyesight is 1,000 times sharper than a human’s.

OPINION: [t doesn’t matter how good they can see, if the human is hunting

with a gun that requires a crew of 1500 people.

FACT: Unlike humans, hawks can’t move their eyeballs.

OPINION: They can’t wear contact lenses either.

FACT: Birds have a third eyelid between the upper

~and lower lid. This eyelid

is transparent and moves from side to

side instead of up and down, like a sliding cup- board door. It protects the eye from dust and harmful rays from the sun.

(An eagle can look di- rectly at the sun.) OPINION: I once had a pair of sunglasses that were strong enough to allow me

’ to look directly at the sun.

I must of stared at that thing for hours before I realized I wasn’t wearing the sunglasses. Now I have a chimpanzee that helps

me use the bathroom and type this column.

FACT: One of the favourite foods of the great horned owl is the skunk. OPINION: If you’ ve ever eaten at Harvey’s, you know why great horned owls love their Ultra Burgers. END