Drunken Dragon’s Guide to Gettin’ Booty

by Marc MacDONALD

“Question: What is it that everybody has, and some pirates and thieves try to take? Da Booty!”

-A Tribe Called Quest

These rules are for guys or maybe lesbians, because—well—I don’t have any experience trying to pick up guys. However, girls, you can use ‘em to avoid guys who don’t fol- low most of these obvious rules. And some of you girls should follow the advice of Destiny’s Child: “Nasty, put some clothes on!”

1. Don’t use pick-up lines.

They’re corny and stupid and they don’t work for the idiots who try them. Pick-up lines are the domain of Will Smith and e-mail forwards. Did you ever notice that they never worked for the Fresh Prince, and peo- ple forwarding them in e-mails proba- bly don’t frequent dance clubs that often. The thing you really want to ask yourself is do you want to take a girl home if she agreed to come because you used one sentenced that was chalk full of sexual innuendoes? Chances are that she is seriously lack- ing in intellectual capacities, or that

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“1 don’t care if you have moves like Michael Jackson...”

she has gone home with different guys. A lot.

2. DON’T USE PICK UP LINES. Nuff said, yo.

3. Don’t wear a wife beater as your only shirt to a bar.

Wearing a wife beater as your preferred style of gear will shout one of three things to a girl: you are trail- er park trash; you deal drugs; or you pimp women. None of these. three things impresses the honeys.

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4. Don’t dance like your staken ass is on E.

When you are cuttin rugs keep it in control. I don’t care if you have moves like Michael Jackson, or you usually slam dance in a mosh-pit, if you are workin on boody dance like you don’t care what anybody else thinks but not so chicks will be intim- idated or laughing at your moves.

5. Never enter the circle, triangle or square.

No, I’m not talking about geometry equations. There are reasons why girls dance in enclosed protective formations on the dance floor. It is the same reason geese fly in V’s: for pro- tection against predators like your drunken ass. If they are dancing as one, then leave them alone. The gift of a-true ladies’ man is the ability to entice one, with brief glances or fine dance moves, out of her protective formation. Or if you are an Adonis like my homie Cinephile, you manage to get the whole circle to swarm you.

6. Never bring a chick you don’t know a drink.

If you’re buying a girl a drink, be cool about it. Don’t do it right off, and don’t bring her one—you will look like a date rape freak. Talk to her for a while first, say that you’re going to the bar and ask her if she is coming

so you can get her something. 7. Stop huggin’ the wall.

If you want to dance, then dance. If you want to watch chicks, then go rent a porn or something, because you look stupid standing out- side the dance floor staring at chicks and waiting till you have enough alco- hol in you to stumble your stankin’ ass onto the floor.

8. Dance don’t stand, walk, push, talk or fight on the dance floor.

Once all the wall huggers get drunk enough to stumble onto the dance floor, it sucks ‘cause the people who were dancing can’t—all the wall- huggers are taking up the space and crowding the spot. Once they get up there, they are the ones standing still or talking to their buddies. If they move, it is to get to another place and they walk and push to get there. When doing so, some drama will get started and the wall-huggers start brawling on the floor ruining shit. They should go play pool or something.

9. Refrain from constantly starring at yourself in mirrors.

Dude, if you are looking at yourself in the mirror the whole time that you are dancing then you might as well be home doing something else with yourself. You shouldn’t stare at chicks, and the odd mirror check to make sure your mob ain’t buggin’ is okay, but don’t make it a habit.

10. Stop gyrating into her ass!!!

Finally, one of the most important rules is don’t be grinding into her, even though you don’t know her and she doesn’t want you to. You look stupid, uncontrolled and pervert- ed if you go around trying to hump every girl’s booty all night. Wait till you at least know she wants to dance with you before you begin the grindage.

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