If she’s got a boyfriend, . back off

By MARKIAN SARAY

irls (or women),

please tell us. Its

better if you do. We may get mad, or we may be disappointed, or we may go bald, but it’s best if you tell us right off the bat. We'll understand, but not really.

Just tell us if you have a boy- friend or not.

Now, I'll contend that males are dumb. So there’s nothing to de- bate there, but somehow, we're al- ways thinking there’s more to this. We start talking to you, the female, and we think that we're doing pretty good. You, the female, are laugh- ing, and soon we start hanging out more. Soon, the male thinks that, hey, this girl likes me. Maybe we can go out on a date. Before this progresses any farther, what you, the female, should do is tell us your status. Here’s an example of what you should and shouldn't do.

After seeing each other, whether it be in class or at work or under whatever bizarre circum- stance, after about the third day, you, the female, should say some- thing like, “You do that, too? My boyfriend’s the exact same way!” Now, the male will suddenly pause. This is the time the neurons need to tell the brain, which in turn tells other regions: No, she’s not avail- able, but keep on talking and look- ing like it doesn’t bother you.. This is commonly described in second- year a textbooks as the “I have a boyfriend” pause, where the male is frozen for about two sec- onds (one second for the heart to sink and one second for the neuron thing). But you, the female, have done a good thing. You have estab- fished thet you ave pak available. te enjoy our company. At least we know. We will never figure out why you’re dating the other guy, but at

least we know. So eventually, this idea of being with you will get out of our heads, or we will shoot our- selves.

What you shouldn't do is this. You, the female are hanging out with us, the male, in history class and things are going good. Talking, flirting, using witty banter and shar- ing a genuine dislike of the class are good signs. It’s going so good that the male buys two pairs of Neil Young tickets, thinking that you will go with him, because both of you like Neil Young, because both of you are tone-deaf. You accept the invitation and the male is thinking that life is worth living, that he is the Karate Kid. So you're at the show and everything is going great. You watch the opening band, Moist, for no good reason except for hang- ing out with a girl. And after their set, you mention how you think they are a bigger poser band than Sugar Ray and have as much credibili as your grade-three brothers boo report in which he recopied the de- scription off the back of the book. And the female says, “Really? My boyfriend quite likes Moist.”

Now, why would you do that?

Now, the male is thinking how he’s going to ask for his 40 bucks back (oh thank you, George Costanza) while “Rockin’ in the Free World” has lost all meaning. The female will say that you are a good friend and that’s all she thought of it, as she is in a commit- ted relationship. The thing is that guys can’t understand this. You wanted to go out with us, but not in that way. Why didn’t you tell us be- fore? And if you do have a boy- friend, could you at least wait until Neil Young is finished?

Now there’s some terminology that must be defined. There are stages of hurt that males go through.The above example is

The Cadre +

called “treeline.” You're riding a horse and things are coasting along and, as you are in that state, you don’t see that tree branch and it hits you in the chest. You fall off the horse and it keeps going. You get up dust yourself off and walk away. Youre a little damaged, but you'll still get back up on another horse.

That’s not that bad, but there’s more. So there’s this woman that you constantly hang out with and you aren’t really “dating,” but are spending a lot of time together. Then, one day, she’s got a boyfriend or she moves away. And you say, “Aw, fuck,” or, if you’re young like me, you say “Sheesh!” But what you should really say is “Toque on the bus!” Let’s explain.

Youre riding on the bus and you're wearing your favourite toque. It’s probably knitted and

our a spent hours knitting it during The Price is Right. You get hot, so you take the toque off and put it next to you. At your stop, you get off the bus, but you forget to take your toque! You missed the opportunity and you just forgot a for a split sonia Well, you have to make sure that rm don’t forget about the woman like you did the - the bus. 3

ut the question remains: i

the toque was so good, why did you forget it? The toque is great, it’s just that one second of not thinking. It’s that hesitation of should-I-kiss-her- or-not. If you do, you could be wear- ing a (or a neckbrace), and if you don’t, you missed your chance.

Unless you take the same bus and it’s still there, or you call “lost and found,” but thats getting a tad

lucky. A s quahicaranall one nos isabtinaienniann This is where the male thinks everything is

23 March 1999

going okay and that, if there are any problems, they will sort themselves out. It’s like you think you’re go- ing to catch a football. Your hands are open you think youve got it but you don’t. You get a football in the groin. You get the conversation of feelings-have-changed and things- aren’t-the-same-anymore but we- can-still-try-to-be-friends. And as much as you want to figure this out, you, the male, cannot. It seems that females are similar to Macintosh Computers. You’re typing and all of you sudden you get “System Er- ror.” “Type 1.” Restart. What does -1 error mean? And why did this happen? I was just typing! You just don’t know. And even when you do restart, wer oe as good as they once were, use the drive es become more fragmented. However, with some work and a visit to buddy at Computer Services, the computer (and thus the relation- ship) can be good as new or even

pee we — edhe: you Consol tha Wit tlag We malee never know! We’re at the pro- viding part, but as for if this is true love and stuff, you've got to tell us, because were too going, “Huh?” i oy hla oa a > we ecroe aeeree ball. Yet we still line up, we still run and kick hard, hoping that we