ALIEN COWS PLOT CONQUEST

by Wesley Dodds Short wave radio enthusiasts have dis- covered alien communication signals within the calls of common Island livestock. Cows, it would appear, are actually subversive aliens infiltrating our society from within. The subtle signals picked up within the mooing were calls to their beefy brethren on their home planet in the milky way, telling them that the time was drawing

near to strike and conquer the Earthlings,

trampling our civilization into dust until the

golden arches of our ‘‘Mcdeath camps”’ all lie in ruin at their hoofs.

The cattle had bribed various influential humans such as K.D. Lang into joining their subversive activities, and it was Lang who explained the whole story to authori- ties after they tracked and deciphered the messages. ‘“Theymade it so attractive to be

a collaborator,’’ Lang said. ‘‘I did my bit to undermine beef sales and they promised me anything I wanted: wealth, a position in the Moo Order, a new haircut. It’s over now, but I have no regrets... there’s no use crying over spilt milk.’’

The alien’s leaders were rounded up and their communicators destroyed. Earth is safe, and beef is plentiful.

FUN WITH DECAPITATION

by Rex Tyler

Budding young avant-garde artist Trent Drake has opened up bold new creative vistas with a unique art form he calls skullscapes, photographic still lifes of hu- man heads in artistic settings.

‘‘Far too many of us look at the morgue and think YUCK! DEAD FOLKS!”’, says Drake. ‘‘Me, I see the place as an avant garde art shop brimming over with the colourful oddities of Ma Nature’s morbid Palette. ””

‘‘A severed head is just as much still life as a bowl of fruit’’, Drake claims. ‘‘Have you ever seen one make any sudden Moves?’’ He went on to say that the head 'Sa unique object study and gives a bizarre New perspective to any work, as well as Providing a sobering and thought-provok- ‘Ng momento more (reminder of mortality)

which evokes classical painting.

Drake’s latest triumph, ‘‘Still Life of Main Building With Head’’, has earned him vast acclaim and, at an auction, a purchase fee of $500.00. ‘‘I always knew

I’d get a head in the world’’, Drake said. The police have him under ongoing surveil- lance at the urging of the Friends of Art, and various morality groups.