Fersruary 8, 2005

THE CADRE ¢ 2

UREL Et eeeet

. And Now For Something Completely Different: The Rants of a University Student

Ryan Gallant Managing Editor In a stunning ceremony last week, the Democratic People’s Repub- lic of Korea (North Korea) released official government policy stating that long-haired men are immoral and that long-hair goes against the spirit of so- cialism. A new public announcement campaign now runs commercials enti- tled: “Let us trim our-hair in accord- ance with socialist lifestyle.” Yes. Let us trim our hair you wacky communist bastardy. Apparently the enlightened totalitarian regime of North Korea has

discovered, through legitimate scientific .

sources of course, that long hair con- sumes nutrients and deprives the brain of much-needed energy. Now, I’m no

Science Student, in fact, the only thing

that I remember from high school biol- ogy is that ducks are arachnids, (Just kidding. They’re molluscs.) but I’m pretty sure that hair is made up mostly of dead cells and that it takes very little ‘brain energy.’ But you know, this theory could go a long way to explain the mental deficiencies of people like Billy Ray Cyrus and Ozzy Osbourne and Kenny G While I would more likely attribute Ozzy’s lack of brain activity to years of his ‘recreational activities’ and Kenny G’s to multiple school-yard beatings as a child, who am I to argue with the science geniuses of North Korea? Either way, I say those old commies can’t be all that bad. Maybe it’s time we shook hands and got over all this nonsense about nuclear warheads and human rights violations and adopt some of their ideas. Hell, maybe we too should outlaw men’s long hair in North America and see what we can do about getting Michael Bolton executed.

His majesty Ralph Klein of Al- berta has approved an initiative that will

give tax-breaks for people who join fit- ness centres in the province, saying: “I think it’s a wonderful idea because I happen to belong to a gym.” Yeah right Ralph. Klein has up to now been an exceptional role model for others in his province and right across this country, most notably in tearing apart the health

care system, belittling easterners and in

wandering into homeless shelters in a drunken stupor and calling the men there out-of-work slobs. No word yet on if people will also be offered tax breaks for joining AA.

Lock the door! The Hazelbrook disposal site is on fire again! Just in case you thought that things like the Springfield tire fire on The Simpsons only happened on TV, The Guardian reported last week that the infamous garbage pit in Hazelbrook is, indeed, once again aflame. Before the fire was extinguished, it had burned through December and into January, but one man reportedly said that he had smelled smoke as early as summer 2004 and saw smoke in September but “figured it was just steam.” The heart-stopping drama seized the community once again last week when one eye-witness con- firmed that he had seen actual flames coming up from the pit. “I think that’s the first time they had real flames.” Well congratulations. Next week “Hazelbrook: Shallow Gene Pool or Tainted Water?” Morons.

It was like a very bad dream. “Studios are going to make another remake!...of Footloose}...starring Britney Spears!” I don’t know whether to kick off my Sunday shoes or to run into on-coming traffic.

Now typically I would assume that movie producers would have the common decency to only re-create those movies that contained the sem- blance of a logical plot and would try to improve on the original casting by

hiring capable actors. I mean you don’t see them planning a remake of Battle- field Earth with Clay Aiken. These plans for Footloose, however, do not seem to follow my logic. Spears would not know acting if it punched her in the face and a story about a community that outlaws dancing on the basis that it is morally and physically dangerous was not plausible in 1984 and is not plausi- ble now. That is, unless you live in Hazelbrook (‘Home a: Burning Gar- bage’). :

[received quite a few comments last week saying that my remarks about a student who was injured after jump- ing off Robertson Library were insen- sitive and cruel. I tried to explain that in my humble opinion, that anyone who — does stupid stuff deserves what they get. One of my friends then reminded me ofa time we went sledding a few years back when a member of our group, intent on inspiring excitement, came up with the brilliant idea of laying down on the hill and creating a human ramp by placing a sled on an angle and resting it on his head. Slope and an- gles, however, were not his strong suit, and so when someone came barreling down the hill, they hit the human ramp, which was not-so-conveniently placed at a 90 angle, at great speed, hit the ramp and stopped dead, thus transfer- ring all the inertia in to the human ramp, delivering crushing pain to his head. To add insult to injury, after writhing around in pain on the ground for awhile (he later found out that the collision had torn many of the muscles in his chest) the human ramp decided it was time to go, | jumped in his car, slid through the ice on the driveway, and drove directly into the ditch. If memory serves me correct

his name was Ryan Gallant. Oops.

Have a good one! ()

ryangallant@hotmail.com —