US eV aati

April 8, 1997

This is my last article for the Panther Prints. No, I am not graduating; and, as of yet, I have no lawsuits pending that would force me to stop writing. I am simply leaving. UPEI no longer holds anything of value to me. It is time to move on.

It has nothing to do with what has happened over my last three years here at UPEI. Mandatory contributions to building funds, unnecessary in- creases student fees, rising tui- tion costs -- they, in the end, mean little to me. No, it’s not the past that bothers me, but the future. I can no longer bear to see what this univer- sity is becoming. I can no

longer bear to see an aca- demic institution run like a bu- reaucracy by a soulless ad- ministration that seems to have forgotten what “education” is all about. I canno longer bear to watch professors retire be- cause they cannot deal with the emptiness they see in their students’ eyes. I don’t want to hear about egomaniacs in the Soc/Anth department, lawsuits in History, or students being sexually assaulted by profes- sors who control their marks. “Students are selfish if they withdraw their twenty dollars”, “anything goes if the end is noble”, “you have a duty to future students”: someone. make it stop.

By FINLEY MARTIN

The Five Year Plan was handed their heart and soul on a silver platter last week dur- ing the Intramural “B” Divi- sion Championship. Alumni came out strong in the two game finals, outgunning and outplaying the FYP, and se- curing the eee, title. Acting team spokesman Dave Christian commented “Our lack of experience inthe finals was our biggest weakness. We just didn't know what to expect.”

What will happento the Five Year plan now? The following isa player by player

account of what could hap- pento the FYP over the next five years.

Mr. Hands, Head Coach, will go onto become a three time World Risk Champion. That success will

rompt Warner Bros. to make to thenew official mascot of the game.

Greg Fraser, spiritual advisor andrelationship coun- sellor, will go onto star in his own daytime talk show called “The Zoo”. Although the show will not succeed in North America, it will be aired in syndication on 22 Spanish lan-

This is supposed to be a university, a breeding ground for forces of change. Histori- cally, universities have been the centre for almost every major revolution fro the last 400 years. Marxism, the Paris revolution of the mid-1800’s which “the novel Les Miserables follows, Tiannamen Square. Vietnam protests: universities represent freedom. As students, we are supposed to be idealists, the future, the hopes and aspira- tions for an entire generation. We are nothing -- just sheep- skin and teaching jobs in Asia, minimum wage and Fridays at the pub. If this description offends you, it should. If it

doesn’t, then I rest my case. When I started this arti- cle, | wanted to fight the world. I thought that, if lasked enoug questions, people would start to see how inane and illogical everything around us is. It all stems from a personal belief that it is each individual’s duty to stand and speak when they hear what they consider an injustice. No marches or pro- tests, just the simple statement “What you are proposing is not right for these reasons: but do as you will.” I was deluding myself, though. I was delud- ing myself by operating from the premise that there exists “right” and “wrong”; but these words have no meaning for

technocrats and politicians. There’s no more room on their agenda.

I wish I could end with something positive. I was hop- ing to come up with a witty phrase that would make you laugh and leave you with a sense of closure; but I can’t. Instead, I offer you a quote from a novel I read in my first course at UPEI. back when I was still full of piss and vin- egar. Thenovel is called Catch 22, by Joseph Heller. When faced with the meaningles ba- nality of the world around him, the main character reaches the following conclusion.

~Spirit gone, man is gar- bage.”

Carpe Diem

Is This the End of the Five Year Plan???

guage channels around the world.

Rick Millard will dis- appear. Rumours will spread that he was secretly recruited by CSUS where he will roam the Peruvianjungles on secret government missions.

Dave Christian will go on to develop a new world time system. Thetime system will be so popular that it will replace the old one. How- ever a small miscalculation in “Dave Time” will be over- looked causing the entire globe to become anywhere from a 1/2 hour to | 1/2 hours late.

Dico Reyerswill return to his continent oforigin, Eu- rope. Therehe will eventually be involved in a far reaching Internet fraud ng To es- cape persecution he will go underground under the alias of Cornelius Jones.

Dale Tingley will be- comea world famous econo- mist. The fame and the glory

of his job will, however, be affected by ternble nightmares in which he constantly wakes up screaming “Dump the ball to Rick! Dump the ball to Rick!”

Krishna Singh, in a strange turn of events, will join the World Wrestling Fed- eration under the name of the Surinam Samurai. His prom- ising career asa professional wrestler will, however, be quite brief.

Geoff Smith will make his fortune as a popular fash- ion designer. The bulk ofhis 2 ees come from his ‘FYP Remembered” line of t-shirts with catchy slogans like “FYP For Prime Minis- ter!”. He will also be one of the mainorganizers ofthe FYP Victory Tour 2000.

Pat Perry will become an esteemed member of the physics community. As a Gichins he willbe amodel for Gilletterazor commercials.

Finley Martin will move to Malibu Beach, CA after theincredible success of this column. He will gain200 lbs. and live in seclusion making most ofhis millions ofdollars writing cheesy detective books that are only sold through special book clubs.

TheFYP would like to thank everyone for playing along with all this craziness, especially the loyal fans like Tammi Jo, Loni, Danielle, that madeit to all the games. For more info on the FYP check

out their website at http:\\www.peionline.com\fyp or email. them .- at

fanmail@peionline.com

C702 3 Mr. Hands.

a eS you.