GF LIFE
- _Proof ofdnteliigenee.
Iclllmyl-"""[l mil* hulls intelligent_ ~
meiood tsllnh'_>"" l ‘Gl’°0l’¥\-"VBryl Look out he don't kicl¢=\10u. slr!"-Puck
._ __
. _ _- » In _8plt0 of lt. _Briggs-“Bilkins writes best sal-
lofi. do“esn't he?" Ivrlrsv-“Yes. but use an right. He's a`i‘irst-rztte sort. When you get to know him you don't mind what he writes."-Life..
_ THC B¢l\lgh‘l°d Parent. _
Liittle Girl--“Why dild your mama, spank you?"
Boston Child-'Tiecnuse she is too
untutored :ind ignorant to devise 9, more modern reformatory method or punishment."-Lite. _
` The iuhmaelite. `
Paying Teller-"You must get
lolne one to identify you before _I can pny this chock. Hu.\'e you any friends in this town?"
Stranger-“Nut one. I’m th d _
catcher."-Our Animals. B og
I Too Rapid.
i "I5n'l- if fluoor tho 'mov-ies’ never
show us any of those Central Ameri- can revolutions?" ‘_
“Not a bit. As ft mutter of truth,
they huven't perfected a flllm ma. chine yet that can revolve as-fast as the revolutions.”--St. Louis Re. public.
_ Double Trouble. "We‘vo got Lt great, road now."
`Baid an enthuslwstic western rall-
roader to his friend. "We’vc got it double-tracked clear thru to, Chi- cage."
"H'm." said the friend. "I don't
We Wlllli you want n. double track tor. lou cnn’t keep your trains on one."-Evcrybody's.
For The Collection.
Mrs. Murphy was getting the sup-
per for the children on Saturday night when o young woman camo to her door.
"I’m_a collector for tho Drunkards'
_l;l;io_r_l_'le,’ she said: "Could you help
- . "Come around tonight and I‘ll give
you Murphy," said, the housewife as she went about her work.-Life.
'- Emperia's Aristiclea.
Two boys of Emporia. Kan.. ran
away from home to seek their’ for- tune, after reading n. hiogrnpliigul sketch of Dick \Vhiti:lngton_ 'I`hey got ns for as Kansas City. whiero the centurions encompassed them and took them to the police station. There the captain questioned thcm closely, nn<i,_ having drawn forth much useful information, hnally asked:
"Why did you boys run away from
Emporla'!” ~
“Weil," replied the elder of the
pair, tlmugntfully, "therc's nothing th9ro__iJ__ut William Allon White, and Wh' got hired of hearing hi.m."-Col- lier's Weekly ~
"F-_Geting Past the Guard. "Yvhnt's tho matter 'with the
train?" asked the lecturer, vexed with the speed they were making, “lf you doirt like this train," thc guard retorted. "you can get out and \vail<." “ily Jove!" said tho
lectiirer, “I’d like to do it: but a,
reception committee is to meet me at my destination, and I don’t want to get in ahead of time."
` A seaside opening.
The Girlz “Why did you take oft
your hut. to me? You dont know mu."
'llhe Mun: "No-but I think my
brother does: and this is his hat."
Evidence.
"What makes you think he is ti
foreign nobl->man'!"
"I overliem-<1 him say he ,owed
everything to his wife.”
‘-'rim ounlueiv sli.\i.i. Nor iiiso 'ro-Nxoirrr'
. il 32'?)
¢
Tficked.
For fouu consecutive nights the
hotel proprietor watched his. fair, timid gircst iiil llcr water-hottie at
the water-t:ip. '
"Madam," he said on the fifth
night, “if you would ring, this would
he done for you."
“But where is my l»ell'.”' asked the
lady.
“Tho hell is lweitio your bed," re-
plied the proprietor,
“'l‘li:\t the boil!" sh e exclaimed.
"\\’hy, the hoy told me that was tho Iirc-alarm, and that I wasnt to
1.ouch it on any :\coount."
Nr. Do Fashion: \¢Vhy did you
discharge that n\\rs1.~-gl\'l'!
Mrs. De l<`:ishiun: Sho kicked
poor Fido just for biting thc' lmby!_
He: "Don’t you think ' 'a `glrl`
should marry an economical man?"
She: “I suppose so: but it's aw-
ful being engaged to cnc."
“Do you have much trouble with
you carl” '
"'1‘roul>le'! Say, I couid:n’t, have
more trouble iii I was married to the durn thing."--Detroit Free Press.
The Nut.
“My grandfather," said the old-
tlrner, “ns_od to put nil his money :in his stocking." _ -
"Wt-ii, things haven't changed
much." said his old friend. "lily ginndson puts most all hislmoney into socks."
Kind. '
She ihiniing)--l'd love to soc the
iinsi-i>:\li game! 1'm terribly inter- esiod!
lie- Arc you. tho? Then 1'l1
'plume you lho score as soon as the game is o\'c~r_-Pennsylvania Punch Bowl.
‘F \ _
1 i
1
5' .
-i
i_ :anno-__--" _ _ _‘ .»nul
vu... . _ _
Coming.
Sho slipped oil' hui' shoes ns soon
as she clo_~.t-il thi- door. and tried io get upsl:iii'_=: wiiliout :t\v:1i<eixiiu_: hr-r husilinul. lint sin: found him wait- ing for her.
“li‘s tliim-_ o‘<-lot-lt." he said. “I \\'4~n‘_ l'r\mi tho clull to soo it
sick fiiviuif’ sho r=xplnin\:<i_ ' '
lit- r<~:ii'~licii into her pocket and
pulioil out :i note.
“Sick i'|'l'-ali!" he sn:-or(-Li. “'l`hi-n
what :irc _vnu doinif with this masli note from fi c-horns inan? _-\noth:-_r tinw you go to the f-lull 1'll 1.:ol>:wl< to t'z\tiu-r or---er. 1‘ii h:\\'\-_ him iioro."
Not Vcry Shocked. `
“Ch-origr. -,ir:\r," saiil the girl, “do
you i-\'l~r ii:'llih'_"’
"Yes, I-ei-:isioli:illy." George reluct-
antly zifiniiiivli, _
"l-lut, di-:i.r." she went on zinxiou:~i‘-
ly. “what do -you suppose papa
wuulf say :I he should discover that he future husband of his only duughtor drank?"
"He dl:ico\'\:rcd it this-morning.” "tlrh, Goo!-gc, what did hc say?" “I-Io said. ‘\Vcli. George, my boy.
I d|m`t care if I Liu-' "
Quite Secure- -' "I want to consult you on a cer- lnin point.” said_Miss Cash io hor la\\'yc\'-
“I nm at your service. Miss Cash ” “You know Mr. Squililig? lie has
dont- me the honor of proposing mi\rr|uge."‘ _
_.Ama "Winn I wish to ask is. if YOU
thiuk my money would he safe in his hands ii’ I were to marry him?"
"It would lic so secure you could
not L-'\'cn grt it yoursyli’/'
Their Mission. A large cro\vd had gathered at the
station to receive thc famous states- man. The reporter indicated it group in the foreground. "They :ire personal frirnds. gatlioroil to seo him about speaking here." he ex- plnined.
"Is it necessary to use persuasion
to induce him to speak?"
"Not at nil; they are going to try
to prevent him-"
Not Qultel
Mr. EnrightAGl:idys. suppose I
were to dio. what would-you du?
Mrs. Enright--Why, I would sim-
ply go crazy. '
Mr. E~~Mnrry again? `
Mrs. 1'?-Oh, not that crazy?
Significant. _
The second day drew to its close
with the twelfth Juryman still un- convinced-
“Wcil. gentlemen." said the bail-
ifi’. entdring quietly. "shall I. as usual. order twelve dinners?"
“Make it,"_ said the foreman,
"eleven dinner-s'und a bale ot hay.”
He Was Dubious-
rn woman. interested in
A B .ton
matters pertaining 10 Dflilm l"?f0l'm» “\Vh.l\t. lwcmne ni' your brutller, Mrs. llrc f0l’m9d ll member °f “U l“"°‘9l|5*‘~““g "Ah, slr, ho wont tn the mul: he married
commission that visited a penal in-
manngcd to
like to speak to your
lust!" she thought. Aloud
she said: "Iio‘s in the other room. den-er. Geo:-tie."
-Young t_s`pnorlor 'arose and sought
the desired pri-sence. In u. few nun- utcs he returned, his face one radi- ant sunliuani. lie said “good night" and it-ft- Alury rushed -in to her father- _
"Uh, dad!" she exclaimed. burst-
in;,' with o.\‘clt_umL-nt, “what did Grunge ask you?"
And whllc ln-r t-airs fairly ilupped
i0 l<‘-111'" lillll Gf\oi'i-:e had asked her hand in marx'iaii.;c, papa replied:
“l-Io borowl-d l:::rf::re home."
Toot! Toot! Tootl
I’icl<ln{.; lui' way ilaintiiy among
tho grime oi' the locomotive works, the young wolnzui visitor viewed tho huge opomiioxas. with visible awe. I-‘lnally sho turned to u. young lnun from the :Alice who was “sliowlmg hor thru,” and. pointing. asked:
“What is that big- thing over
thcr\:'!" _
"'I‘li:lt's 11. lr_l_-z\nintl\'c boiler." tho
young; man implied.
Shu pileko`.‘i‘I_i her brows. "And \\'lu|.t rio thr-y hui' locomg.
iivt.-:<1 f|>r'!" she asked.
"'i‘:» niakc the lilcornotlve tender." Allll lil-: 3'->\1l11" man from thc ollice
noi/-_-1' iiaitmi an cyriuslx. either.
__ ‘ _ An Inspiration. I dont \'..u\t to app:-ar bonsii`ul."
said tin- artist. "lint Um p..u_u[y nf _my pnzturr., renders people misc. lutviy ::pi=<~cl|li~ss-"
“lloor:iy!" <-xciztixni-sl the weary.
looking visitor, “I must bring my wife to soo them!"-
__ Oh. no! Not a Hint! » YOU Sill' you :\.r<‘ afraid of mon with n pai-It and mon with a future are too iuicortain: tr-ll me. what sort
ufumnn do you lii:e'."'
Why_-~-L‘!'- lsioppini: to look in fi
jmvcllers \\'i1ulo\v)~--men with 3 prcsvnt, oi’ course!"
Sure Sign.
An L-idrrly lfillorei- \v_-‘S in i|1
iivnllii and ilvsplti- lim wif.-fs .-fm- ilonimxs por:-iisi<~,:`i in going |inll_\' in his \vf.rk_ Uni-_ tial' his i`r»ri~nian. who pririr-tl hinisvli' on lining’ :i man oi’ 1-h:\r|ni|\.:' tact. di-.,‘>p|~<l into um- ih<~ _ironll \\'ii`v_ _ "l\ir.~1_ .Yi-nr-S.” hr- said :\flc_r pass- llllif lhi‘ llllh 'lfil?1l'~“l'ln zifrnlii your husivand is\n‘t :suing to liv.. \-,.,»y inn#-ll l<\n<__"i-r_’
"l.:vn<l_<’ ::_:i_li<‘.~:!" r-:\'I‘i:\i|n:»:l tin-
\\'on|an in =\::1rm. “wi\:\i nuiltos you ihiul: ih:\t'_"'
"\\'\~li. vr=:\':\xn. you sm-." lim 1'.-yrq _
milll l'l‘hll.-rl il\¢\\\i.ri\ti'ull_\. “ahout nn hour ago he ilroppril ileful."
Overhead at the Club.
“Younfr lllirchcush must think that
time has more lives than a cnt."
"`l-low srl?" "Ile kills it regularly every day."
THD
They Do.
The Cape May heach was drenched
with moonlight, and sented on the sand a yuuni; :nun and a. young wo- man conducted :in ardl-nt wooing under the white' lunar rays.
As the young man kissed the'
young wo|n:\n'_~l hanil, Champ Clark remilrkeri to :t novelist whom he 'was entertaining: »
"Look at that sly young pair!
Lovers are said to he hlind, -but they always :nunnge to make spectacles uf l.l\emseivcs.”
I
Usually.
_
erv 'Em
Those Boxes.
Wills: "How are the new cigar-
els?"
Gills: "Final Th-is last box I
bought contained a flag. two pictures of hull players, IJ. cardboard paper knife, ct toy liniioon and a puzzle."
Wills: "nut how do the clgorets
then1sel\'cs smoke?"
Gills: “I dnn't know. You see, I
had to cut o:i,ch one to pieces to ses whether it contained the Great Grand Free Coupon which would en- title me to the next box !rce."
is
ment was part
8 ed.
Norman
Senator Walsh of )Ioniu_nn, con- _ _
gratulaiifil on the eloquence of
made in iii-li-nn.
"my first spvecli; hui, alter all, maiden effort is usually at miss."
The Diaphanous Frock Again.
about the dia lutnoils, the :Limos
‘ _ "2_f:;»_:*'_::I2'=i-‘-;§f:I;5-_¢'=_f_-f-I_‘ ' M... ‘- _ '= = =-._-_: ._-
` - -‘ ""1 'I_-'_' -;_ - __._= : - mg_g=f=‘i§§";_;;j-_,if Qf=:»-==:""""""?E‘ 1-'ii f- bf"-1'.;-.'1_""=fi§ - ` tt _»=.;f_~"‘-iii’ _` -=` f‘ ' ` '
George Adu was talking in London ;-,'Ei";”;_- ~_:;§f§_':1:§=jg:;"g:;;¢~__'______ _ “- _ _ _ __ _ ,_
:. _-: ‘ -_ inf.-J/.3 -_ - __
_ _-_:_:-: _.uf _</.,_¢.,.$".:¢; _,_ _ ___ _ -_
0- ` __ '='_5-_<-.-_=_=.w___:¢_=_._,_.¢¢a_ - 1_4".-if'--f.--1"r_fr'ir'»m
t-_.riff S...-em., mai.-.lay ¢i.:...g.-ti me _- fl subject ily dr-Hcrihllug his first speech, » _ `-i _ '-"f-:5_»f‘/_ifr-`§_'_l-_f_ 'iff/;§?`;:§E= ""`
, ' ` - 5“f"»_§"”’5'f‘_* .=.?§`3£`_"’_ '
--it W... .. f_».:i...~t-_~ in ¢....t:..<1<.a. ' ' <
_ _ _ ~______ :_,______¥__._._ _,___,¢_ _ (_, _ __
“ ,l <> é,` __ » _,_ ,ff " '_ *v
> 1 .r , ,_ 1
-w as evil ,ru-f~f _ _
‘ _'_ .1 .. ....4 ff " " }‘ "3-_ '_ 55:; ~=;;¢=?!f¢_;__~_3‘i, _
'$‘f°&s~
>. M.;-'. -: ; ty -1 -
Il
transparent quality of the dresses in _- - :_=,.,--,: _‘yo -_ _ _ _, __ _
.- .. -- ; I::>_i_f?:fi~-=.l;f¥?.__<'=='_ 221%".-af-'=‘_I""N2-?=f`.'EL' ‘ _<'- "--fi-e
the new n\\i:~ic.|l comedy of The 73 _ __ __;i___;__.__,__________ ____
Girl an the l\‘iln\_" . _
Alfter condemning these tenuous _' __;.'-__'¢*;:¢:;~`1:'_'_'=-'»'_=-;»=£§_155:;
r, _ _ - _:~ ,=-' _~;_;-"_-*,=‘ _ =I
garlni-nts with no little severity, M Ado smiled and added:
_‘.~_"‘
' N _
{' ` ‘ Y" r f..
<_ _;_ l
_ _:-,¢»_='2__1'=i`,-'=._'_ 5;., A
v .-__;__/; _:'_;¢_:=--C 'r¢__;__=_=; /.3-_:_ ._~.»"-_f,=_=._\
"um, :iftf-r =~\1. 1 out-ss 'The Girl
_ __ __ __ ____ 1 _
frocks." _
Caught in the Act.
“You know, I nliver boast," th
' .- "“ ":'_-_:_=-=_1=‘;I:;~‘:»': _-"_<<"ErE';‘j_~_;:-51., 1; -1. - - ' - . < -___ i -.; _ _:_-l __ _ 'f .'-_'=°;_-_‘1_'=s'_,'_==-£21-f'=t_ga:ef t - 1'* -__ .-mite' =, wg,-_
, 5 ..~ ge
> v~`»-.> ,_ ' wt- W
on the liiim has to vicar Iiimy _r-.-'_ ___ - _
L
s~ '°
o
l “ < » __ _ __. _ . . . ,
__
Senator Tillman -\\'ns arguing tho _ _ ="l3:fff§1f’i§i*§°-Y' i - i .ff l
‘ . ‘__ K
Oroueilt he :ln
.. .mf _ ' c
' ‘ 1.. ' _ _ __
9156"
' :w"' ,v .f iq
_ ' -_ _ of _ "l\Ie\'r_-1' lmn_~4\‘_' Splcnilllli" said ~ .__' f'__~;'; _ _ ____-~'_»'_.-;___"1I"' _.Z I - __,:vk£-/"2'1;§_;'§_».=g>-_ I
. ~ _ 'f _____"f_:___-=_<§¢_-‘=§-- f
_ ,_ 4 __ ._ _,__ 3 __¢_.___
_ l
S:-liaioi' ’l`-ilhnan, and he added quiet ly: “No \\'ondi,~r you lirng about it.'
The Secretary-Treasurer. hc Riu-< not ("iul» in ‘\ie\v York.
ie ,
“To _~:hri\'.' ]’oli’s plucke-
iraiily hit in xt finilncizil smash-up, said io him:
“ '\V:i_4 lilnnk ilu- ¢iur.i'e\_ury or 'th
tri-asiirr-r oi' thc con\pony?’
"l'\~il i:iii;,:lw|l_
“'\\’l~ iiu|u;_',lil_` hi- said, ‘that h
was only ihr-_ secrt-l:\ry iiil after h lit out_"'
Taking Prooautions.
liinillit I \\':\s i`<»»|l r‘1\oui.;'h to toil ; _ _ -y , ___:_'__ _
s 1. <, _ _ _ __ '
nu-_ '
.linksz \\'hn,t dii'i`oronce did that
n\akr»‘_’
llinks: lie matic- me pay cxtsh.
tin-Adi-aiins, l"ut, \vh:ttl.~: tho host way
1 ' A r ~ __ ~ _
_.sei _ _ __ M., _ _________ __ _______:;____
1. - of l I5 _ _ -_ " ;: - _
<- _,_ _ ._,_ ____ - -__:-<: _.___-_ --;;__,_:s-__>;_§_,__1-___.=<-1- \
‘ ;', ` ' ' -.312 .p ” -;i'_-'-i;:5‘=E:;;1_1§¥&Ti§_
1;. _-__ ' __-_ __.»‘ ;-;._. K -»-»__-__ 1 .f/1° <. __ ___ _ ~ __ _ __ _-,, _
5 f ' ‘ v
AL A I ` f ‘ t 0 1 ` » ` 1- ' \?,- _ __ _ . __ _`___._,_ _ __ _ i discilssiivr sadly the ate o sgoul ____- °'_'»':______f:;-___ ;`§ ' --‘§_q¢,;5f_"§{__~, "__,-~__‘,,'_';.._-" _ > - __
Pell, :L ll:i,ni<i-1. galil: _if _v _-,\. _ __;f_ _ __ _.fi
--ppp Wm. hmvc, and we may i _ - ._ __-_ __ »,_ <,__~__m /_ '__,“~. ‘_ '_,;_-_§<_--_.b-$_2__
sure he met death bravely, as he 5 ;_-__'3- ____ ° _ ,_g_§_________ mot the other 'trials and tribulations if -3 ____i_’3k§';,¢_:=¢_:_:»_f-___,<7_~:§______5'j ____ _,~,<.-gi of it lift- that was, on the whole. ex- }<"= 1# 1 _ '<f§_<~@ff§§___.j_'_j_=_;:_"j;;;'§I__ ` _v &>__=`;;;§; ‘
. .- _ -_ ' _- _ - _ ,:_.-_ _-»-_-v '- ~ ;:»: _ve-'1<_,»1-'»_:';'_:;._ _~: __ _-.y
U'-“'-*Hill*-“ll-V l“”Dl’-V' »' _._- i - _;g_.:j»_»__ __;:~.:-»;i__j;____._.‘_J:3.:-_;;;f§_f;_.; _
, 1 -- -» ___ -:-»- z - »,-:_ :_:_.-:;_-.:- ;_;___f_.<_,:-zz-_ji
wi; " ,<_ va, *_ <. ,-2
1., __ _- _,~ -_ - _
__ -_ _ ____;,_-____ ,,_,____.,,__
__ ___
»..:‘~~.' ' fp
~x~‘»
_. __
f -_ '_ » ‘ - .
“silica \\'hf-n ‘ho hail boon pretty _gg _' <? ' ‘ ' " _,_ __,"-3%--’»‘_-:_-I-_*ff
~-~ 1? “
,, _ _ _-;=<=i=§--._1=;
'» "_§- it-, " .1_-"="_‘_- 2§“_`_ _ '>_._."`-_?=_'-’_-_;'- _':=_i_-_.1_i,;1'2gi;_i3§1`a-521%-ii%¢€§1=_,
'l‘l\e kind liinly z what are you crying about, Little boy? » 'l‘h¢~ lim' : Boo-hool I ‘ave to wear all farver‘s old things, an' 'e'l
l<`mi.i..v<-:~ N-.iv \»f.:i'vc iinishod bln an' 4-leiui-slmveil ‘isself this morn.ln’, an' now tl\ey‘l1 make me \vee.r_ a\\
..'
thoso -rod whiskers. _
_ _ A
to fret rid -\f that lit‘;_\p oi' dirt ovor -._ -- -
thert-_'_' _
i’nt: Shure. tn:it’s oisey dun, sor.
Dig n hola lvt-side uv ut mn' shuvell it in!
while his dlsonuiotl wife was alive!"
dkseast-ll wlfe's sister
The Spineless Type.
Bishop Quayle at 11. dinner in St.
i’u.\ui w:x.~i iaiklniz about that spine-
__ _ _ 1(-_ss type ot' divine who waters and
flavors his :locrrine to suit his wealthlor pnrlshoners.
“I can lmliginc one ot’ these mon.”
said ilishup Quayle, "trying to give hi:-i flock the simple nnd straightfor- ward <-xhiirtatlon, 'Of two evils choose the lessi-r.’
"The divine clears his throat and
says it-~-right out-‘Of two ev-ils clioosi- the lessor'-and then his eyo happens io meet that of at multlmil- lionnlre.
“ls the xnuiiiruiilioimlre frowning?
Is there :i hard, diszlpprovlng glitter in his i~,\'i~'.' The divine clears his tliront ai.:';\in.
“ ‘l lm! tif tivo t-\‘lls,' he stammers,
‘c-lioo,~'t-_ my lirethrcn, the lesser, un- less it in-, of course, that-hm! 'limi ~the other evil is the more-hm!- proi’it:tl:ic.` "
A R_A_I\l.(7. orderly was being put
thru his uncfs by :L hospital sister, who \v.'\s'tri'i|\t: to find out the extent. of his .practical knowledge.
"And what \vouid you do," she
niskcil, “in lx case of collapse?"
"Glve__ him some brandy," was the
reply.
“lint suppose." suggested the sis-
ter, "suppose you hi1dn't ony l>rnn<i_v‘_"' V
j'Thon l‘<l promise him soma,"
was the prompt reply.
Pleasure of Hope.
"lIopc-," said Mayor Gaynor, at 5.
lunch:-on in Ni-w York. “Hope-man is nerr-r withliut lt."
The niuyor luoici-ii about him ln'n1s
quit-t ivhlnisiizal way.
"llopn nvvrr <l\~si>ris mlm," hc said.
"When :L man is young he hopes to attain fnnio. \’V'hr~n he‘s old he hopes _tu escape the poorhoilse.”
An indefinite Promise.
.llarrlctz "You promised me, Harry.
ln,-forc we were married that you would try to stop smoking."
Harry: "Well, dear, I am trying."
eral of his leading 'parishioners even snored.
“Dr. Steenthiy, at the end of his
discourse, pounded on the lectern, and, when all were at: hut awoke, he said, very firmly and mildly:
°‘ ‘My friends, this sermon cost me
9 great deal of trowble, and I don't think you have paid it the attention it deserves. I shall. therefore, re- peat it. My text I take from--'
“And for s second time Dr. Stool!-
thly prealned his sermon .from bo- ginning to end."
---.__
Steward in First Saloon. HMI
Boat: You cc\n't be ill in here.
Passenger: Oh! Can't I? _
fl _
Will Not Take Flightl
Angel‘s Mother--Gracie, are you
a darling n:ng'el'.’ '
Mothers Angel-Not ii’ it’s any-
thing to tetch from upstalmt
Give Him Timo.
Roland: “There goes young Swift.
They say _his wife has money."
Uliver: “V\'ell, that isn't his fault.
The-y’ve only been married n. short time."
Friend: Why don't you get your
hair cut? It's like o. stack ot hay.
Actor: Then I suppose thaLt.'s why
so many asses have come hrayini round me this morning. d
Foreman (to Pat, who has had I
tall from scaffolding): What on earth mods you leave go the rope?
Pat: sure, I thought the rope win
breaking, so I had just the presence of mind to let go.
A Safe Assumption.
A propos of a marriage that
threatened to turn out badly. Mrl. Niciiolns Longworth uttered an ap- propruita and very true epigram:
"So, Mr. Blanc.” she said, "is say-
ing :ii the club that he's sorry he ever married " ,
Mrs, Longfworth smiled Arid addedi “\\'<-il. when a man tells hil
friends ho's sorry he‘s married. it’l surf- to assume thst's his wife il sorry. too."
_ _ 4--,_
stitution in Massachusetts. The ' __ ___
'_ ‘_ - » - _ "T_'_ _- - ~-w';~___ _ ,~7_s__;3;-_»_->'_=` Q;
heart of the Boston woman was bursting with pity for tho poor pris- oners. She passed them one by one with n sympathetic air, and tlmtliy paused for a while in front of one poor chap listlesslysewing shoes.
"()h. my poor fellow." said she.
“isn‘t it most _monotonous doing that? Won’t you he glad when your sentence has expired?"
"Weil, I dunno. Mum." answered
the convict doletully. "Mine is a lite sentence-" '
Poor Baby- '
It was time for the lesson in gram-
mar- ' `
"Now, Willie." began the teacher.
"what are the. three personal pro- nouns?"
"lle. she and it_" _ .
"Correct Now dive me on ex-
ample ot their use."
“I-Iushnnd. wife :md baby."
High Life. - "Life must bo pretty dull up here.
nh?" asked the, visitor in Alaska.
"Yost" replied the native. "about
nli there is to do is to fish and |lrlnk_'_' _ .
"la that so?" _ "Yop. And in the winter lt’s tot.
_enld to fish."
She was the youngest of eight
children ln n ministers family. and as his salary wus not large she al- fready had lcurnerl that there were rnnny things tho family could not have. Ona day her father told hor that she limi a new baby sister,
“Well, papa." she said bravely.
"I suppose iL's all right. but it seems to me there were a lot oi' things wo needed more-"
Wcnry Wn.ill|ns»I don't like dogs
generally. hui one of 'om saved my lilo once.
Tlunr,'ry I-liggins--\“Vhat dog cv(-r
snvcrl your lite?
Weary \i.'nil<ins-----llc was one of
tlioso then. lltlh- pugs. I soon him trntiin' along iwlilnii xi woman null s\vi|-mi him nnd irndcd him for n drink. \
' Not New.
"ll \
I-`lrst Neighbor: avi-_ you h<-: r.l
toll of thrm ni-wfnnizlmi irifli inn' ilnzes?"
.\'\~t»»r\tl Nr~i,?‘1l\\ YZ "I lll\n'i ~=~‘
|u\fl\i:\‘ i\-_-\v1:in|:io_:i :\l~|»ui `~ .\lini-'s liven :i trial to me for :iw l \_. 'un-:\l\’ years!"
Very, Very True. \“I<`a.ther," said little Tommy, “what does it mean to say ‘seeing the humorous side ni? things?"
"\Veil," replied the rioting parent,
“let us take an example. For in- stance, how -many sides has it banana olln?"
"'1‘\\’o_" "ltlght_ Anil when it man steps on
that banana skin ho st-es the serious
sign anti you seo the humoroill s c."
His Method.
Glliut: "llo\v :lo you accomplish
your irrvzii sixtzln-ss \vlih the lndl9s'.’ lm you lccvp irivinir tht-m ihings'."'
I‘\-rry: "_\'.»ll|lui: on i-:irth but en-
cnut':\i:|‘|nent_ alll- nntp," _
_. A Real Hero.
l-‘ii-et lI'iI'ln-lor: "'\Vh:\i's your idea
nt :L hero?"
:lmrunl liar-hi-l<_\r: "A Mormon."
'rh_TJic¢'m `
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' ‘i"‘l_""""‘.l"` H" lm" mm" sum" .i'\ur_lh» von know you talk in your slebp, John”
' i .‘\i'f=, ‘ - ' ‘ '
. ' . .lnhn-\\'rll, do you hcgriulgo me even those few Words? ` 'l
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_ S ART AND WHOLESOME Wil' AND l'lilll\0B
\llEElil.Yf FEATURE. e iii