THE NIGHT OF OZZMAS

By ADAM GAUTHIER

“Twas the night before Christmas Break at UPEI

And all through the Barn

Not a student was sober, not even freshman.

Exams had been done just over a week

While the washrooms filled in order to take a leak.

The television hummed in the left corner there

But everyone was really too drunk to care.

The bouncers sat by the door in a chair

In hopes that their replacements soon would be there. When all of a sudden there arose such a noise

I sprang to the window with the other girls and boys.

Out in the lot there was a figure in black who looked rather fuzzy I knew in an instant it was he that we called Ozzy.

We looked at each other rather coy

Finding it difficult to hold back our exuberant joy

He stepped from his bus and went about setting up lickity-split Which means he set up rather quick.

“Now, Mike! Now, Dan! Now Ralph and Mort!

Hurry, Paul! Hurry Joe! Hurry, Dick and Harry

And get my shit set up for the show!”

When the band was in place and guitar on his shoulder

He called to the crowd “Good Evening, Boulder!”

We all fell rather silent as Ozzy spoke out

The snowstorm had apparently diverted his route.

Ozzy took up his pick and the crowd did cheer

If he learned of his wonderful mistake was our biggest fear. When Ozzy had finished and the Barn was a shamble

He called to us all “Has anyone got a Camel.”

He packed up his gear in the bus lickity split

Which if you have not guessed by now means rather quick. Ere we heard him proclaim as he drove the bus out of sight: “Happy Christmas you motherf**kers and to all a very good night.”

H Ht

Pat