humid/Pinata -P,rosonts....- >
' A. Comedy 0! Terrors
Paranoid Pictures prese— nts it's latest release: "A Comedy of Terrors at Turnover‘University". Starring those Tenure Winning professors: Prof. J.J. Songbird; Prof. Hobbe Gobblin and his wife Snob Gobblin; Prof. I. Gallop Away, Prof. Kant Butt, Prof. I. Q. Sharpey, Prof. John SWeatsuit; Prof.Reve11 Withoutacause, Prof. A. Proletariat III; Prof. von Sheepherder and special guest star, the President of Turnover U. - R.J. Bakeroo; with a supporting cast of 1,500.
Act I Scene I The Faculty Lounge in the Main Drain Building located in the center of the Campus of, Turnover U. It is lunch time and the Lounge is buzzing. J.J. Songbird comes ih whistling the
tune that made him famous. I.Q. Sharpey: Good Day, J.J. How's the teaching ‘business today?
J.J. Songbird: It's getting just awful all the students. seem to be tone deaf. (He .\ shakes his head in disgust) I.Q.: Yes I can fully understand. I've just given out my own I.Q. tests and my students all performed dismally There'll be no marks above 55 this term. J.J.: You-mean you mark according to I.Q.‘s?
But man, that's_absurd! (Kant Butt, overbearing the conversation, interupts Kant: I find the best criterionfor marking a student is his attitude. If he likes_the courSe he gets a 90.
I.Q.: But what about the deceitful student? Kant:(puffing proudly)
We don't attract that type of student in the Philoso—
phy Department. - ‘ (Just then Prof. John» Sweatsuit jogs in) John Sweatsuit: Would there by any chance, be hot water in this room. I'm desperate for some rose hip tea. My System needs sustenance. J.J.: Well man, you could always find out at that machine over there (point- ing to the coffee machine) John Sweat: Yea but I don't. have too much time you know. I must get Out of thiS(tigarette!Smoke-filled room before my Vitamin C Supply.runs out. Good Lord Why can't people be health, cOnscious? , (John'Sweatsuit,.thereupon jogs out the door) Revell Withoutacause: Was .
lthat your distinguished ,colleagqurof. St. Jock, . I.Q.Z
I.Q.: No, no, That was
John Sweatsuit St. Jock has set up his office hours in the gym he firmly
believes in "Sound Body,_
sound mind" you know.
Rev. Without: This campus is being taken over by the health nuts. They should do like we do in the Busi— ness Department make money in our spare time instead of running all over the country wearing burselves: out.
J.J.: Well some of us have other considerations than
’ those of making filthy
lucre on the side. We have our professional pride to consider.
Rev Without: Then why are you teaching at Turnover
U?
Kant Butt: Well I:m_here
to raise the consciousness level of our students. I.Q.: I'm here to test
them and find out who shou- ld be here and who shouldn't be.
J.J. What if we found out that none of them should be here? Then we wouldn't have a university and President Bakeroo wouldn't like that would he?
(On that awesome note they expire leaving their intel- lectual questions unresol- ved!)
Act II Scene I Same place‘ a few hours later. It is Sloppy Hour in the Faculty
-Lounge and many professors
like Hobbe Gobblin and his wife Snob Gobblin are mak— ing a rare appearance t0‘ sign autographs and other relevant things.“
Hobbe: Hello! Well I see A my distinguished colleagues of the Political Science Department are here in
The Cadre, Apr. 1, 1975, page 11
good form this afternoon. Snob: Yes darling, you are
'so right. i
A. Proletariat III: Well~ Hobbe! and to what do we owe this rare appearance?
Hobbe: Oh, I always try
to keep in touch with the university community at least once a semester. Prole III: It's quite an honour to be in your comp— any.'
Snob: Quite!
Prole III: Are you studying "The Social Contract" this semester?
Hobbe: No,no,no,no - a thousand times no! I've finished with all those
«nmndane matters. I don't
need to teach that anymore. Prole.III: Why not?
Hobbe: You don't seem to realize, my dear Proletar— iat that I already have
my social contract. ProleIII: What are you babbling about Gobblin? Hobbe: I received Tenure last semester surely you knowlthat?
Snob: Very exclusive you
-‘
‘ (<‘im. i§§:\“‘
, .4424 know. Only the best get it! Prole: But what about your responsibility to students? Surely that is most import— ant? ’
I,
‘ Hobbe: Oh — this younger
generation is no good. Education won't help them
in their middle class lives. von Sheepherder: You don't " seem to understand. How
man times do I have to tell you.Students are sheep,
they need to be led.
(Prof. Gallop Away dashes in, flustered and blustering) Gallop‘Away: I taught I
saw a student. I tought
I saw a student in here!
(he frantically looks under the couches and chairs and behind the coffee machine)
I did, I did see a student.
,o.
(M Turnover University
Look, look isn't this a student? ' Hobbe: I wouldn't know. It's been ages since I last saw one, I've forgot: ten what they look like. vonSheepherder: No, that's not a student that's a sheep. 0n the other hand they are one and the same. I must dig deeper into that problem. /
(von Sheepereder exists, leading the "problem" away study it further.)
Gallop Away: Well! I'd hate to think that a student would manage to slip into this hallowed room. When I want relief from my professorial duties the last thing I want to be confronted with is a student.
Hobbe: I quite agree. .Snob: Quite. There are .entirely too many students
running around on this campus.
Hobbe: There shouldn't be any students at all. Their outlook is so middle class lthey're really giving this place a bad name.
(Just then President Bakeroo enters and the anthem immediately starts to play. All rise as the strains of "Oh Turnover
U, we stand on guard for you" are heard. The anthem over, every one sits.) Pres. Bakeroo: I just decided to drop in, as I was strolling by, to tell you this very funny story
I heard.
ALL: (in unison) Do tell
do tell}!
Bakeroo: Well, can you tell me why the little student buried his car in the visitors parking lot?
ALL: (in unison) No, Why? Bakeroo: The engine was dead! * ' , (the faculty laugh uproar- iously as if they'd never heard anything so funny. Hobbe and Snob Gobblin could be heard over the rest. The joke seems to be hilarious and one with whiCh they could identify.) Bakeroo: I thought you'd enjoy that. Well if there are no additions, corrections
Gor deletions I can assume that this Sloppy Hour is
adjourned. I'm going home Good-night.
ALL:(in unison) Good-night. v(all rise as the President exits and all follow him
out the door still chuckling to themselves now and again)
* adapted from the little .moron joke series.