Imaginations
The Captain’s Logs
STAR TREK: The Incomprehensible Generation
1. The First Fit (On the planet’s surface)
“I should like to take a sample of it back to the ship for further analysis, and to see what happens when it runs amok and kills half the human population of the ship. I, of course, having a Vulcan physiology am naturally immune . . . <*GAG!*>”
“That’s it, isn’t it, you Green-Blooded sonofabitch. That’s your idea of getting rid of the humans you find so annoying, eh? Well, let’s see what this Force-Field Tourniquet does to your pointy-eared head, you half-breed”
“<*GAG*> need I remind you <*choke*> doctor that I am a Vulcan and can live on a reduced air supply for <*hack*> quite some time -- does make it kind of difficult to speak, though”
“That’s the whole point. Now, you lop-eared freak, let’s see how you deal with having a liquefied Twinkie injected into your sickly green bloodstream?”
F/X: Fooosh of injection needle
“Awk! <*gag*>, doctor, <*choke*>, that was supremely illogical and awfully f***ing stupid, <*wheeze*>. You're going to ruin my mind. Oh, no, I can feel my gargantuan IQ going into a downward spiral -- I can’t deal with all that gooey junk food! Doctor, what have you done? This is totally irrational, approximating pi -- what am I saying? Arg <*choke*> Daisy, Daisy, give me your lump of goo, I’m half crazy, eating this Vulcan food!
Haurrrrrrrgh!”
“Aw, quit your damn theatrics and croak, willya? I’m a doctor, not a theatre critic. Dead? Good, now we’ll see who fools around with Nurse Chapel.”
(Enter Captain Kirk via transporter)
F/X: scintillating tinkling of the transporter. “Bones? What’s that your messing with?”
“Jim! Oh, this old thing? Hell, this crazy Vulcan got into my Aldebaran brandy and killed himself!
Stupid ass didn’t know that I also keep Cyanoacrylate in those jars.”
“Cyanoacrylate?”
“You know, Krazy Glue. What’d you think held this ship together? By the way, Jim, I just had the Strangest thing? The word "Katra" just appeared in my mind. Totally illogical.”
2. Another Fit “Cap’n, we canna change the laws of physics!”
“I am well aware of that, Mr. Scott, and I did not ask you to change the laws of physics, I merely want them bent a little.”
“But, sir, if I push the engines even a wee = more, she’s liable to blow!”
“Just as long as they blow on YOUR time, Mr. Scott, not on mine.”
“Aye, Cap’n. Scott out. (pause while ComLink is
dropped) Dick’ead.”
{Of course, the Captain didn’t happen to drop the ComLink quite that quickly}
The UPEI X-Press
October 18, 1990
Page 8