JANUARY 25, 2005

THE CADRE ¢ 13 9 9 Z

Species Where’s Waldo? What’s The Difference Between a Catfish and a

’ a lecture on the scientific 9 Contributor sada end laces of Lawyer ‘

When one looks back on high improbability. school, itbecomes painfully obvious 6 The Mathematician —too Steele Campbell that there were a few categories one easy... Contributor

could class any given student: the

“preps,” the “jocks,” the “cliques,”

the “geeks,” and most-hated of all,

the “brown noser”. After graduation | most people thought they might escape such categorization. After all,

University is supposed to separate the

fat from the milk — or something like

that.

Below is a listing of some of the

more noticeable groups on the

UPEI’s campus:

1 Soy adicto al cafeina — this group is perhaps most observable during the wee hours of the morning, just before classes. Being without caffeine for 2-4 hours can prove near fatal. One can easily spot these people by the twitching in the extremities and a 24-ounce, double mocha, triple carretto latte glued to their palms. =

2 The Nitpicker— While they can be hard to spot when their mouth is shut, their identity reveals itself when they open their mouth to correct a professor on a point no one cares about, or when they declare to the rest of the class “this textbook costs too much!”

3 The Philosopher —normally characterized by a strangely placid look on their face, they can blossom into the thud ’nt on pub-crawls.

4 The thud ’nt-— often has his or her head in hand, trying to steady the world: it’s been spinning since they woke up from that party last night. ‘Thud’nt’ refers to how they try to say “student” when they are down at Myron’s.

5 The Scientist— Whenever a

person mentions a topic that cannot be empirically proved, they feel the need to launch into

7. The Jock—hasn’t changed much since high school. He still has the attributes of a rhino: thick-skin, small intellect, willing to charge at the slightest movement. His neck has gotten a bit thicker, however ...

8 The Indie-an—More than welcomes the chance to extol the virtues of independent musicians. Even more happy to send plagues of locusts to feast upon the major record labels and their “crappy, pop- saturated, teen-driven” slop. Cringes when the radio station is changed to 93.1 FM, or when someone begins humming

a Brittney Spears tune.

9 The Future MBA — Looking to re-invent the wheel and sell it to their professors based on its ‘vertical market integration potential’.

10 The McStudent— Much like

food from McDonald’s, these _

individuals are not particularly distinguishing. Often found taking courses to “find themselves” — hint, look ina mirror! ; 11 The Peppy Ones — Satan’s -

_ Spawn! Easily identifiable by their cheerful, annoyingly sweet personality and seemingly endless number of cheers for university teams most didn’t ~

- know existed.

Unfortunately, it becomes painfully obvious that upon leaving school one simply finds him- or her- self in a larger, albeit similarly categorical, version of high school society. And with this realization, it becomes even more apparent that not only has the milk not separated, it's bloody soured!

Humour is often cited as the medicine to cure all ills; apparently it won’t cure all your legal troubles, at least in Long Island, NY, however.

According to NewsDay.com, Harvey Kash, 69, and Carl Lanzisera, 65, of Long Island, NY were arrested Wednesday January 12" for “engaging in disorderly conduct’ — or to be more precise, telling lawyer jokes while waiting ina lineup at the Supreme Court.

Evidently one lawyer felt somewhat insulted by the jokes.

| “What do you say to a lawyer with

an IQ of 50?” One of the ‘court jesters’ asked the other. “Good morning your honour,” was his response. The men were subsequently arrested and charged with a misdemeanor.

The Nassau court spokesperson, Dan Bagnuola, said that the men “were being abusive and they were causing a disturbance.” Mr. Bagnuola has also stated that the men were asked, on several occasions, to refrain from their antics.

Kash and Lanzisera are the founding members of Americans for Legal Reform, a group who sees the courts as inaccessible to the public

and uses public stunts (such as driving around the neighbourhood with a truck sporting the slogan: “Stop the Lawyer Disease’) to raise awareness of their cause.

Kash was in the court on Wednesday to answer a DUI charge laid some 20 months ago. It is reported that he feels his case has been unnecessarily delayed.

Some of the other jokes used by Kash and Lanzisera are included below for your amusement:

Q: How do you tell ifa lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

Q: Why do they bury lawyers 100 feet into the ground?

A: Because down deep, they’re good people.

Q: What’s the difference between a vulture and a lawyer? A: Wing tips.

And for those of you wondering about the answer to the article’s title: one’s a slimy bottom-feeder ... the other is a fish.

"I think we may class the lawyer in the natural history of monsters." John Keats, letter to George & Georgiana Keats, 13 March 1819