Drive Me Crazy: An Intimate Chat With Britney Spears

Stephen McQuaid

I am feeling ridiculously lucky to have the oppor- tunity to interview THE undisputed queen of all things musical, Britney Spears. She’s got it all... the moves, the looks, and talent to spare! Trying to control my giddiness, I talk to Britney who calls from her home in Kentwood, Louisiana.

Stephen McQuaid: Hello, Miss Spears!

Britney Spears: Please... call me Britney.

SM: Very well... Hello, Britney!

BS: Hi.

SM: First of all, I just have to get it off my chest, what a HUGE thrill it is to be inter- viewing you. You're like... my musical mentor. I feel I can really relate to you.

BS: Oh, that’s very sweet of you, but please, I’m just a regular teenage gal.

SM: Yeah, sure, what- ever, miss BRITNEY SPEARS! Queen of

music!

BS: No, really, I’m just normal, so don’t feel you have to treat me otherwise.

SM: OK, Britney, I’m sorry. I’ll get to the interview. Britney, you got your start in the Mickey Mouse Club. You auditioned at age 8, got hired at age 11, and spent two years on

the show. What was

- that like? Did being in

show biz mess up your

childhood or anything?

BS: Oh no, not at all. I feel that experience was invaluable to my life,

and I learned so many

lessons on the set... I was a little anxious

about it, though. It’s tough to follow great

people before you like Annette Funicello. She

was a legend and she let .

us know it! What most people don’t know is that she still really runs the set of that show. She rules it with an iron fist... a reign of terror... sometimes I ran. Sometimes I hide. Sometimes I was scared of her... but all I really wanted was for her to hold me tight and treat me right... but if I got something wrong... the belt... the beatings... the screaming... the...

SM: Britney, are you OK?

BS: What? Oh yeah,

I’m fine... fer sure.

SM: Can you con- tinue?

BS: Why not? Is some- thing wrong?

SM: It’s just that...

what you just said...

BS: Wha? No, I’m fine.

SM: OK, Britney... um... be straight with me. Did you get im- plants? It sure looks like you did. I heard a

rumour that for your

mom said she was sorry I didn’t get a car, but she thought these would help me more. Plus, she said I don’t have to worry about airbags whenever I do get a car, ‘cause my synthetic ample bosom will protect me from hitting the dash, or whatever. You never know when these things’ll come in

sixteenth birthday, your parents got you implants instead of a car. Is that true?

BS: Yes, it’s true. I'll come clean. My man- agement doesn’t want me to talk about it, but they’re pretty hard to hide! I mean, I’m only seventeen! Look at ‘em!

SM: Um, Britney, I

can’t see you.

BS: Oh yeah, the telephone. Anyway,

handy. I was at a family reunion, and I was out on the lake with some little cousins of mine who couldn’t swim,

_and some guy on a jet-

ski hit our boat and

tipped it over, and the kids fell out, and I

grabbed all three of them, told them to hold on, and my behemoth boobs kept us afloat until we got to shore. They’re like Swiss Army boobs or

_ something.

SM: Wow, Britney, that’s quite a story! I hope you feel better having your “secret” out in the open now. Britney, I hear you have a huge collection of teddies and stuff. How many do you have?

BS: I have, like, piles of them. I love going home to see them all. I put one on, turn up my 5th Dimension CDs, and parade around my room, dancing the night away. I like wearing them to do housework, too.

SM: Britney, I meant teddy bears. Dolls and stuff.

BS: Oh yeah, I have lots of those, too. I have some really cute ones that inflate and everything.

SM: Britney, I’m going to leave this topic now... is that OK?

BS: Yeah, sure, what-

ever.

SM: Britney, I heard that your first hit, “

Baby, one more time...” was going to have different lyrics at first. Is that true? »

BS: It sure is! I met this guy during recording. His name was Forrest... I can’t recall the last name. | think he was a shrimp boat captain or something. He would ask me if I had a boy-

gst

friend, and if he spanked me. I knew he was only joking, so I brushed it off and wrote that song about it. It was going to be called “Spank me, Forrest, one more time...”. However, my management thought that it was too sugges- tive or something. That’s why we went with “Hit me baby, one more time”. I think it came out OK.

SM: It sure did Britney! To the tune of seven times platinum!

BS: Yeah, well, I paid my dues and worked hard to get where I am.

SM: Nobody could argue with you there, Britney! The world respects you SO much!

BS: Ooo! Ooo! Sailor Moon’s coming on, | gotta go...

SM: OK, Britney! Thanks for the com-

ments! BS: No problem! Bye!

SM: Bye, Britney, and thanks again! Good luck!

For a total gut-busting laugh, check out Mr. T vs. Britney at http://

angelfire.com/ca3/ tfiles/britney.html

Little known fact: In a recent interview, Spears was asked if she was

going to be touring Australia. She asked, “Where’s that?”