The Panther Prints é

April 1, 1997

FYP: Road to the Finals by Finley Martin

Spring is in the air. The snow is slowly melting, the sun is shining justa little bit brighter, and the Five Year Plan isin full bloom. With only one win standing in the way of the champi- onship final, the FYP played Dream Team 4. Acting team spokesman Dave Christian returned to the roster adding some defensive prowess, wind, and energy to the team. With Rick Millard unstoppable in the paint, bombing squad-leader Geoff Smith on target, Dico Reyers in fine form, and the high flying rebounding of Dale Tingley, Finley Martin, and Krishna Singh, Dream Team 4 could not help but be steam rolled by the FYP. The team won the game and will move on to the finals.

In preparation for the Championship Final, the Five Year Plan has enrolled in a vigorous training program. The program, developed by team spiritual advisor Greg Fraser, consists of strenuous mental excercises and a high fibre diet. Acting team spokesman Dave Christian commented “We were in a bit of a rut and we finally decided to get ourselves back into the shape we were in earlier this year.”

In other FYP news, the Cultural Centre is in jeopardy of being demolished. City health inspectors made a surprise visit to the centre last Saturday night. After an exhausting evalua- tion of the building, they found that it was both unfit and unsafe for any normal person. The FYP is now accepting donations to keep the centre alive. All donations can be sent to Dico Reyers.

Pat Perry’s new book is due to be released later this ’ week. The book, entitled “The Pat Perry Experience: Living Inside the FYP Machine”, chronicles the life and times of the Five Year Plan throught the eyes of one of its members. The book has already caused a stir among some of the other team members. Geoff Smith has already gone on record as saying that much of the book is grossly exagerated. Profits from the book: will go towards the renovations to the FYP Cultural Centre.

For more info on the Five Year Plan visit their website at http://www.peionline.com/fyp or email them at fanmail@peionline.com. [Fag a WEREWOLF, 1M

ALWAYS ON MY GUARD AGAINST SiLVER BULLETS THE FULL MOON, ANGRY ToRCH- eines NG Qu" EASANTS..

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The financially troubled nation of Haiti will continue to be generously aided by Cana- dian forces until the end of the year, despite unending diffi- culties with ruthless political uprisings and demonstrations. But, you know who’s a dick? Ebert. Roger Ebert. Yes, I know, some people hate Siskel, others think that both men are okay, but me--Ebert? Pplbbiplibl. I mean, just look at the name, for God’s sake. Ebert. It’s just enough to an- noy the crap out of anyone. And the guy’s just this pa- thetic, googly-eyed, white haired, round-assed, dick- lookin guy. Like, no wonder he like, never gives a “thumbs up’ to a movie--cause he’s got both of them shoved up his ass. Perhaps that’s why he’s such an anal retentive ass.

Okay, so I’mjust a little perturbed at him ever since I saw it one time when he like, majorly cut up that Kids in the Hall movie. The nerve of that bastard. That would just rock so much ass though, if he and Siskel just got in this huge brawl over some movie disa-

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greement some day. Especially if the movie was like some- thing like, uh, That Darn Cat, or something. Yes, I can just see the movie reviews now: “Siskel gave it 5 punches up, while Ebert gave it an out- standing 2 headbutts, and a suplex!” I mean, everyone’s just waiting for something like that to happen. Along with, of course, the occurrence of them also finally coming out of the closet. We all know that’s gonna happen.

But, tell methis. What’s up with Shreddies? Like, isn’t there some way they can make them so that they don’t turn into like, soggy pieces of crap after only having milk on them for like a minute or so? It seems I always have to like wage war with the Shreddies in order to engulf them before they get all big and soggy and crappy. What’s with that? That’s no way to eat break- fast. It’s preposterous.

Ah, yes, and I must in- form you that I, Bawb, have received several complaints over the past while about this column thingy that I do, and in

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particular, my style of writing. Well, first of all, I guess some people like think I use the word “like” like too much in my like article thingys. Which, of course, I have like no clue whatsoever as to what they’re like talkin about and stuff. Ri- diculous. But the other, most far out complaint I got was that I don’t seem to stay like on topic too well or something in my columns. Like, they say that I’ll like give a subject for the article, and then talk about it fora bit, but then like go off onto completely different other subjects that have nothing to do with the title of the column. I can’t believe this. Like, that would be like saying that I would like give a title, like, uh, “Canadians in Haiti,” for ex- ample; then say a few words on this subject, but then like start talking about all this other stuff, like, uh, Siskel and Ebert, or Shreddies, or some kinda crazy stufflike that. Man, peo- ple these days.

..Like, this was like written by like Te odd MacLean and

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