Fact and Opinion

by Stephan MACLEOD

FACT: Impotence, or Erectile Dysfunction, is a very common prob- lem affecting men of all ages. OPINION: Try explaining that to your distraught cellmate.

FACT: 90 percent of all impotence can be linked to health-related ill- nesses such as diabetes, heart and vascular disease, hypertension med- ications, prostate cancer, pelvic trau- ma and surgery, and over 200 known prescription medications.

OPINION: And ugly girls are a defi- nite turn-off.

FACT: An estimated 20 to 30 million men in the United States suffer from impotence. OPINION: The rest of America is having sex with the wives and girlfriends of those flaccid cocked sons-of-bitches.

FACT: 60% of men who have had either a heart attack or open heart sur- gery will have impotence.

OPINION: Real men don’t have heart

attacks anyway. They get cancer, or at least a slight case of athlete’s foot.

FACT: 55% of men with diabetes will be impotent.

OPINION: I don’t know what’s worse, not being able to eat mounds of icing, or having a flimsy franky.

FACT: Urologists have discovered that vacuum devices such as the Vacuum Penis Pump offer the best option for men who suffer with impo- tence.

OPINION: I recommend using a shop-vac, but that’s not an option if you ever want to fit in your pants again.

FACT: A man needs sufficient levels of testosterone in order to have the desire, feel aroused, and to get an erection.

OPINION: Muff always helps too. A whole lot of muff.

FACT: Any physical or emotional

Hawktaler& Couchtard

Nin hate Couchtard!

But they love

being together.

They really do...

I mean they love it... Really love it...

You can’t beleive how much they love being together, I mean really. They will even kiss. Kiss the love.

menmnn N’aim pas Couchtard.

factor that affects a man’s arteries, veins, nerves, or hormones can impact his erections. A man must allow himself to relax in order for the blood vessels of the penis to also relax so that he can get and maintain an erection.

OPINION: Yeah, and if you would like a man to lose his erection remind him about relaxing his blood vessels.

FACT: A discussion of the problem followed by a physical examination is the first step toward diagnosing the cause of the problem. OPINION: Admitting that you are a pansy is the next step.

FACT: A man may apply a simple snap gauge that can reveal if the penis is becoming erect during the night. The normal male has about two or three erections a night. The snap gauge is a painless tool that unsnaps when the penis becomes erect, revealing that an erection occurred when the man was asleep. This can tell the physician that the man’s equipment is working, and that there may be another cause that is inter- rupting the natural erection process.

OPINION: I had no idea snap gauges were designed to determine impo-

tence. But why would my dentist insist that I use one...that dirty whore.

FACT: According to Masters and Johnson, at least 25 to 30 percent of people in their 60s have intercourse at least weekly.

OPINION: There’s nothing wrong with old people having sex as long as they are both fully clothed.

FACT: There are normal changes in a man’s sexual function as he gets older, but these are not impotence and do not mean he is going to lose his erectile ability (in other words, you don’t wear out your penis with

age.)

“OPINION: However, you can wear

out your penis with a Black and Decker Sander.

FACT: Although a man of 60 may not be able to run a mile as fast as when he was 18, he should be able to cover the distance and may even enjoy the scenery more. The same goes for his wife, especially since she may appre- ciate the increased ease with which he can delay ejaculation.

OPINION: Whoa now! Wait a minute! What’s this guy doing while he’s running?

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: You ever see those American comedians?

(Shaking his head.) American comedians, man, they crack me up.

They’ve all got jokes about Canadians — polite and boring, that’s what they have to say about Canadians.

(Mimicking an American accent.) You can always pick a Canadian out of a crowd: he’s the guy with the ugly golf shirt and the neatly pressed jeans from Sears, apologiz- ing for bumping the next in line to him while he waits to buy tickets

Life’s Like That

for The Barenaked Ladies.

You know how to recognize an American? He’s the NRA member lying all over the floor of his living room with a bullet hole in his head and blood on the grey carpeting and matching sofa set, his wife standing over him with a chrome .357 Magnum in her shaky hand and one bullet less than she had a few sec- onds ago, and the only real question is: Did she mistake him for an intruder, or is that just what she’ll tell the cops when they eventually arrive?

(Wild Applause)

the cadre 13